Stuff White People Like

Coffee - I sometimes ponder what life would be like for WP had Starbucks never opened its doors. I bet 27 WP just shuddered at the idea. Coffee is the official modus operandi of the white, working professional. They’ll welcome any form of caffeine. Subsequently, Red Bulls and soda are also in heavy rotation. If a white person ever goes MIA at work, look in 1 of 2 spots - outside on the beloved “smoke break” or hovering over a cup of Joe. As if white people didn’t have a hard enough time understanding us, I always leave them bewildered when I get to the counter and order DECAF. *hears white lady gasp*

Showing Up Early - Look, y’all think WP aren’t familiar with “CP time”. They’re well versed in the highly probability of us running late. Adding insult to injury, they’ll show up 15 minutes early just for the hell of it. White folks hold off 10 minutes, unless it’s for a job interview, to get our hair done, or involves money in anyway. We’ll be on time for any of the aforementioned events!

Ruining Urban Vernacular - WP like to over saturate slang to the point where no self-respecting black person will ever touch it again. E.g. what‘s up, you go girl, and bling bling. All once used by blacks, but have since been forced into extinction. A white lady at work asked me “why are you such a hater?”. I almost passed out. Used it in the right context too! This would normally be cause for concern, but hater is safe for now. She’s an early bloomer on the proper utilization. I salute you, trailblazing woman of genius!

Being Outdoorsy - First thing that comes to mind is hunting. You’d think white folks learned their lesson when Cheney shot that man in the face. Nope. Not only are WP still hunting, they’re teaching their kids. God help us. White folks love to be outside. Typically found camping, skiing, rock climbing, boogie boarding. Black folks spent enough time outside running around barefoot in the bush of Africa. We prefer A/C.

Hollister - It’s a widely known fact that WP single handedly keep this store afloat. Abercrombie & Fitch and American Eagle too…but, Hollister is the whitest white brand of them all. Largest size they offer is extra medium. Warning: may be required to take brown paper bag test before being granted entry into store. Make sure you study!

Hummus - Looks like wet cement. Tastes the same. If you attend any social gathering held in a white person‘s honor, you’ll be offered hummus. Instructions: Take small spoon full. Sequester to corner of plate. Leave untouched. And for Pete’s sake, don’t divulge the fact that you’ve never had it before. Take heed!

Tailgating - WP will forego making it inside the stadium for 6 beers, anything off the grill, a hand-held radio, and a fold-out chair. Season tickets? Yeah, they got ‘em. But, they only use the parking passes! Once they set up shop, they leave only after the beer runs out.

Fairness - I know y’all like when things are fair. So, I have a stuff black people like coming soon…