Phaedra: A Tragedy in Five Acts

Act I:

I can’t stand Phaedra Parks. I almost want to begin and end this post with that one line…but I won’t. The streets have been calling for me to address the newest edition to the Real Housewives of Atlanta for some time now. I’ve held off because every single time I hear her speak, I’m rendered speechless. I literally have know idea where to start.

Act II:
It’s pretty humorous to me that Phaedra and her husband, Apollo, are both named after characters in Greek mythology. Luckily we have a front row seat for this ghetto modern day tragedy. I thought long and hard…and came up with not one but two positive things to say about her. Honestly, they are more so facts than my opinion, but here they are: Phaedra is a prominent entertainment lawyer. She also has a couple degrees under her belt. Problem is she won’t let anyone forget it. Ever. Phaedra and her degrees (as my pal Jen pointed out) are a reminder that you can go to school but you can’t buy class. She puts the T in tacky. Since I am plagued with the burden of proof…I offer her baby shower as Exhibit A. One word: gross. Surely Phaedra had some unfinished business from her wedding she wanted to address at this shower. She even wore one of her old bridesmaid dresses to show she meant business. I thought it was pretty classy how she reused her wedding bouquet as hair accessories for the shower! Now that’s thinking outside the box. The dance with Dwight was nauseating and quite inappropriate. I mean she’s spinning and dipping while 10 months pregnant. The purpose of the ballerinas was a huge question mark for me. But she is a lover of the arts…and most people don’t celebrate the arts quite enough. *blank face* I don’t feel like I can conclude the shower recap without mentioning the strip of rhinestones she donned on her lids. Those little touches are what makes her so sophisticated, don’t you think? Let’s not forget her maternity photo shoot. That pickle. Class all the way baby! Nothing says picture perfect moment like you and your recently paroled husband who is still trying to shake the gay rumors, sucking on a big dill pickle together.


Act III:
I started writing this before Bravo aired the episode Phaedra gave birth and the mystery of the due date was solved in. My disgust for her has only grown since then. You are a grown, allegedly respected woman…and you thought you could lie to the entire world, specifically to 4 other women who are all mothers about how far along you are!? MAYBE…and I mean maybe…if Phaedra wasn’t the size of a double wide trailer home, they would have believed her. In the words of Sheree “Who was she fooling? I've had three kids. I know what nine months pregnant looks like”. Phaedra, you ain‘t gotta lie to kick it. She should have just said please don’t tell my momma I’m 13 months pregnant.

Act IV:

I almost spit coke (okay it was CranApple) upon learning that Phaedra and Apollo continued their Greek tragedy by naming their kid Adonis. Ayden Adonis…but still. They really should quit while they are ahead. But if they decide to have another spawn…and it’s a girl, I definitely think they should name her Medusa.

Act V:
I sincerely hate that Phaedra in all her country-ness, ignorant mutterings, and complete void of taste is supposed to epitomize the smart, successful, professional black woman. Phaedra is single handedly undoing everything I have been doing at work with the white people. White people: please mute the TV when you see her on the screen. Phaedra Parks is buffoonery personified.

In Greek mythology, Phaedra drank poison in the final act. We should be so lucky.

 

Girl Bye

I don't know how late I am...but apparently Melody Thornton *hears 'WHO!?' from crowd* - (the black chick from Pussycat Dolls)- took to Twitter to accuse Ciara of jacking her alleged swagger.  Girl stop.  If you had a swagger...Ciara wouldn't bother jacking it.  And little girl how dare you...we all know Bey was the 1st to grab her ponytail in a bytch please stance.  I know you dare not go at Bey...but really you are out of line for even addressing Ciara via the Twitters.  You need to stay in your place...and now that you aren't in PCD anymore...I'm not sure where that even is.  I mean...you're cute in that racially ambiguous type of way...and apparently you have enough talent to be a glorified back up singer/dancer...but you have to know when you have aimed to high pookie. Don't let it happen again. Thx, MGT.

Of course Ciara's psycho Stans immediately attacked Melody and she recanted. Speaking of Stans...BOOM!

Do Buffalos Have Wings?

Jessica Simpson comes up short

Oh Jess. We’ve had some really good times. Which is why I put this off as long as possible. But, after the stunt you pulled on Project Runway I can no longer turn a blind eye. Admittedly, I’ve been a little angry with you since the divorce. I never understood why you filed in the first place. But that’s not why we’re here today. I supported you when did your little beauty around the world show…I (almost) bought some of your clip in weave…and I laughed behind your back instead of in your face when they said you were a Cowboys’ curse. I even bought a pair of your shoes…which proves I’m clearly over any feelings I may have been harboring since the divorce. But, I have been silent far too long...

First of all, you’re in a safe place. Everyone here loves you. Jess, I understand being on the losing end of the battle of the bulge. So, I’m not here to attack your recent weight gain or your obvious falling out with the gym. However, I would like to point out that you're a mere 5’3” and don’t have much room for expansion. Anyway, I have come here today to discuss your fashion sense…and perhaps to question your common sense. For whatever reason you’ve decided to go it alone without the help of a stylist. I disagree with this decision, but there’s not much I can do about it. Now, we’re in a good place with your shoe and handbag selection…but the rest of your dress game is what we like to call “a hot mess“. In your defense, when you were a teensy bit smaller (say 20 lbs) you mainly wore underwear and bikinis…so clothes are new to you. Since I don’t like to complain without bringing a solution to the table, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a little checklist for you. Go ahead and take a look at this before leaving the house…

If I take 3 consecutive steps, will I break a bone?
Gentle Reminder: If so, your dress too long. The answer is NOT higher heels.



















If wearing separates…do I have on bottoms?
Gentle Reminder: Pants are your friend.


















Do I have on high-waist pants?
Gentle Reminder: Not ALL pants are your friend.



















Do I look 10-15 lbs bigger than I am?
Gentle Reminder: We are going for flattery not fattery.

Have I lost my mind?

Gentle Reminder: If you have to think about it…start over.

Roman Zolanksi: Diary of a Mad Woman



Minaj in obvious mental distress



Loudmouthed, over the top, offensive T&A, with a rainbow coif. Apparently, it isn’t enough for Nicki Minaj to run around acting like a Dragon Ball Z character. She has grown bored with starring in her current role as side show freak of the female rap game. And as it often does, this boredom has spawned the birth of an alter ego. I thought Nicki Minaj WAS her alter ego. She needs no additions to this circus act. Just when you thought you had seen enough to know you have seen too much…in walks “Roman Zolanski“. Isn’t an alter ego supposed to be another side to someone…a departure from what most people already know? But wait…Roman isn’t like that at all. She’s just Nicki Minaj on a sugar bender after a series of B-12 shots, on day 2 of a 3 day acid-trip. Roman is Nicki on steriods.

I just listened to Roman’s new song with Eminem. Frankly, I was a bit frightened. She talked mostly of breathing like a dragon, then fired about 12 shots at Lil Kim. She broke off from her “I’m younger, hotter, better and more relevant in rap” rant to go into her British accent she likes to pull out on special occasions. I wonder what Roman Zolanski looks like. How will we be able to decipher her from Minaj? Does she wear clothes that fit and match? Does she make socially acceptable facial expressions? Does the carpet match the curtains all of a sudden? Does she speak at an agreeable decibel? I mean, how is she different? I need to know. Honestly, I blame Beyonce Knowles-Carter for this. All that Sasha Fierce nonsense has folks bugging out. Apparently Roman or Nicki or whomever has an album dropping later this month that will answer the unsolved mystery of the alter ego. Stay tuned…

I'm not a psycho, I just play one in real life

Editor’s Note: I love love love Nicki Minaj - and can’t stand the fact that I do. I’m still not sure why I can‘t get enough of this loon. She's a marketing genius. I swear Wayne is writing her rhymes. I refuse to accept that she just might be this psychotically awesome all on her own accord. I won’t stoop so low as to buy her album or anything crazy like that…but I do plan to download it off the interwebs like any true closet fan would. I can’t wait to hear it. *said in a guttural tone through clenched teeth a la Nicki style*

You Complete Me (and other Apps I can’t live without)

First things first. If you don't have an iPhone, don't try to search your inferior cell phone’s app barn for these apps. You crackberry psychos love to pretend like your apps are just as awesome and free as iPhone apps. Give it a rest, we know they aren’t. Per wiki (the serious journalists’ first stop) as of September 1, 2010, there were approx. 250,000 third-party apps available on the App Store. I’m sure this is incorrect. There are at least 2 million. I haven’t done the leg work, but I am fairly certain all but 7 of those are free. Since there are so many apps, this is by no means a list of my favorites or the best…but it is a list of apps I heart.

Words With Friends - Ironically, there are no words to describe my love of this app. It’s a fancy version of Scrabble or Literati (for the Yahoo heads). I’ve literally tried to convert people to the iPhone solely in search of worthy opponents for WWF (that‘s what we serious players call it). Surprisingly, no one has left their mediocre cell phone providers just to have the ability to play this game. I have no idea why. Yet, I have managed to recruit all of my fellow iPhone users. Honestly, this has been hit and miss. My friend, who will go unnamed, (it was Miriam) just asked me “how come you never asked me to play ‘friends with words’ again?”. I told her the main reason was because she didn’t know the name of the game! The second reason? She sucks! Sorry Miri…many are called, but few are chosen (for a second game).

Amazon Kindle - All you suckas who paid $200 for the Kindle could have downloaded the Kindle for the iPhone app for free! Dear naysayers, you can change the size of the font so don’t give me that crapola about the words being too small. Most books are under $10 too. I’d stick with buying shorter books for the iPhone Kindle, maybe 250 pages or less. Although nothing beats holding a real book in your hands, this app helps if you’re too lazy to drive to a bookstore, having a hard time finding a specific book in stores, or most importantly when you want to read without people knowing - you know, like at work and church.

eBay Fashion - Up until very recently I was too good to shop on eBay. Now, I’m addicted. This app makes it beyond easy. As I am still too good for bidding on items…I only search for “buy it now” results. It’s like skipping to the front of the line. You can also filter searches for items with free shipping only. Also, familiarize yourself with NWT and NIB…never, ever buy anything that doesn’t include those words. Since I had to figure it out myself, I kinda want to make you do the same but I’ll spare you. The acronyms = “new with tags” and “new in box“. A bit of advice, don’t buy any high end merch on Ebay…cause it will be suspect. If you just have to search for designer duds, please have the decency to include the word “authentic” in your search.

Lose It - this is to track your weight, calorie intake and exercise. I have had a love/hate relationship with this app for years. It was a huge help when I lost 15 lbs 2 years ago and absolutely no help at all when I completely ignored this app whilst I gained it all back. All in all, this is perfect for folks who want to lose weight and record everything in one place.

Mint.com - I honestly don’t use this app. But, if I did…it would be great. I mean I used it a few times, but never consistently. The thing I like about the Mint.com app is you receive alerts when you have large deposits, large purchases, high spending and when you’re over budget. It’s a useful tool when you are balling on a budget. It will tell you how much you spent on groceries, entertainment, auto & transport, etc. The only issues most people have is you must give Mint.com your bank account info so they can sync your account with their site. You also have to go through and re-categorize a lot of your purchases. Trust, I have done the proper due diligence on the risks of linking your bank account to Mint.com and I am here to report, it is 100% safe! And once you put purchases in the correct categories once, you never have to do it again. Happy budgeting, you financial guru, you!

While you iPhone users are frantically searching the App Store for my FREE suggestions and you Verizon, T-mobile, and Cricket folks are feeling inadequate, I‘m going to look for the next IT app!

Strike a Pose!

I guess some things never change....

Nothing Lasts Forever

Most women of a certain age (mainly mine) have long since abandoned the uber trendy, popcorn styling’s of Forever 21. Don’t get me wrong, most of us held on as long as we could. After being sold the promise of being Forever 21, it was only natural to think we could actually dress as if we were. As reality (and old age) set in, most stylish thirty-somethings successfully transitioned to more quasi-sophisticated spots like BCBG, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, etc. A plethora of fashionistas looking for more quality threads, promptly pledged their allegiance to swanky department retailers like Nordstrom and Saks. While most recessionistas opted for their equally as fabulous partners in (prevention of fashion) crime - Nordstrom Rack and Off 5TH. Yet in still, Forever 21 offers something even an off-price outlet cannot. The right price. Of course, the old adage you get what you pay for immediately comes to mind. In this economy, you have to make your dollar s t r e t c h. Buying a cheap piece you can squeeze 1-3 wears out of no longer measures up to purchasing a pricier garment that lasts much longer. So the question is, what’s a girl --er woman to do? And in walks the answer. Looking affordably fabulous!

Although I previously dubbed H & M as the grown woman’s Forever 21, the LA fashion retailer has something else in mind for those of us who’ve realized nothing lasts Forever. Enter Twelve by Twelve. The line has been around for years, but if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you. Chances are, you haven’t stepped foot in the store in…well…forever, but you may want to think again. Although it’s branded as Forever 21’s “womens couture line“, don‘t hold your breath. You won’t find any couture within their walls any time soon, but it is a nice departure from the Forever 21 of your youth. You may be pleasantly surprised. But don’t take my word for it. Take your Forever 21 31 derrière to the store to see for yourself!

Dixie Carter Dies

Actress Dixie Carter has died at age 70.  Although there aren't many details surrounding the cause of death,  Carter's husband and Designing Women co-star, Hal Holbrook issued the following statement, "this has been a terrible blow to our family. We would appreciate everyone understanding that this is a private family tragedy."
 
As a longtime fan of Designing Women (particularly the Sugarbaker sisters played by Dixie & Delta), I had to post one of my all time favorite Julia Sugarbaker scenes. Dixie Carter played this character brilliantly. She always nailed the perfect mix between straight shooter and southern belle!  
 
Rest in Peace Dixie.

April Showers Bring May Fanatics

SATC the movie was literally everything a true fan of the HBO series could hope for. If the devil really lies in the details, he was alive and kicking in this one. It was the little things incorporated from the series that made the movie flow so organically. From Carrie yelling out Big’s real name (John!) to seeing her model the famous tutu, it seemed they thought of everything. Well, almost everything. One big - or shall I say significant - part of Carrie’s life was missing from the film. Aidan Shaw. I realize the movie didn’t really call for an actual glimpse of Aidan, but I was appreciative of the fact that there was mention of him in the first 2 minutes of the film. Still….as much as we love to love Big, every girl has a special place in her heart for the good guy who finished…well, second in Carrie’s.  We saw Steve, Harry, Stanford, Anthony, Magda (heck even Monolo Blahnik got an appearance even though the girls were rocking red bottoms most of the movie)…but no Aidan. Which is why I almost fainted when I laid eyes on the newest trailer from SATC 2. He’s back! And from the looks of things…looking better than ever. Now, you know I abso-fuckin-lutley love Big…but I can’t wait to see what happens when Carrie runs into Aidan.

As a devotee of the series and the box-office extravaganza that was Sex and The City the movie, I wasn’t very happy to hear they were making a sequel. I thought…why chance it? The show was a phenomenon that captivated the hearts of single girls everywhere. And of course, the movie was simply the series on steroids. But a second film? Who needs it? Well, apparently 5 million fans worldwide. Guys don’t expect a date, phone call, or even text from your female friends, girlfriends or wives this May 28th. They are sure to be one place…and one place only. At the theater with 100 of their closest girlfriends…playing catch up with Carrie and hers!
 

A Thin Line Between Loathe & Haute

As you all know, I have been on a not so brief hiatus. But a very serious topic had forced me back into the world o’ blogging. What is this critical matter, you say? Ladies and gentleman I’ve been in turmoil. The greatest conflict is inner…man vs. self, if you will. I’ve been so discombobulated, so perplexed. I have gone over this 100 times in my head. And I am still left unsure of myself. Two words: Nicki Minaj. I mean we loathe her, right? But do we also secretly love her ? What are these mixed emotions I am feeling? On the surface I hate everything about her. You’re nothing like a Barbie, Ms. Minaj. It’s been a while since I actually owned one, but I do remember what she looks like. And I happen to know for a fact, Barbie would never do a crotch shot.  Mainly because she can't bend her legs, but that's not the point!  You are more reminiscent of a Bratz doll, don’t you think? And “Minaj”? *sigh* What are you 12? I am 21 *gulp* and even I was appalled by your stage name. Minaj…as in “a trois“? Girl stop. And where does one purchase pink weave? I wonder what the name of it is. Bubble gum yaky? Cotton Candy Hawaiian silky ? Barbiedoll Indian virgin 18 inch? I hate it. All of her clothes seem one size too small. She is always a fashion don’t. I mean, the girl is a mess. And have you noticed she tries to pull off an accent? I believe it's cockney. You can’t just make up an accent. Who do you think you are, Madonna? And Lil Kim called…she wants her swag, steez, clothes, pose, style of rap, and overall raunchiness back. Every time I see her I roll my eyes.  But *leans in to whisper* something about her intrigues me. I want to see more, know more. What is her real name (heaven forbid it is “Nicki Minaj“)? How old is she? Where does she hail from? She just seemed to drop out of thin air. I had questions.  I needed answers.  So, I did what any serious journalist would do. Consulted Wikipedia.

I found out she was born in ‘84.  Bummer. Kind of old for pink hair and a Barbie reference aren‘t we? Turns out Young Money isn’t as 'young' as I thought. She’s from New York, which would have been my second guess after ATL. She is allegedly mixed with a few things. Which is fine. Tragic Mullato?  Too soon to tell.  Oh and get this, when asked who her biggest influences were…she said Lauren Hill. Really? Lil Kim, Trina…perhaps Eve…maybe even that nasty Khia of my neck, my back fame. But not Lauren -best CD ever-Hill. I'm not buying it Nicki.  Where is her influence in anything you do?

But I digress.
*looks left, looks right* I mean maybe I like her lyrics sometimes…and she’s real animated and cartoonish in her movements which captures my attention here and there. I was impressed by the air of confidence she seemed to have about herself to be so young…but now that I know she's 26...not so much. I don’t know guys. Amidst all of my disgust, I'm watching this girl…and wanting to see more. Maybe. I don’t know yet.  And her real name is Onika Maraj by the way. Which is pretty close to her stage name. So maybe intead of annoying...it's....I don't know....creative. No?

Hey, I think one of her videos is on….*logs off*

New Year's Resolutions & Other Tall Tales

Although I fell asleep before the countdown & ball drop, waking up to the aftermath of New Year’s Eve was simply splendid. As I formally introduced myself to 2010, I caught up on the final hours of ‘09 via the drunken texts, tweets and status updates that chronicled overindulgence gone awry. Now that most folks have literally partied the year away, chances are the first few hours of 2010 were spent reflecting on their hangovers, highs, and lows of the last year. Which is often a segue to the birth of the New Year’s Resolution.

If you are anything like me, you make the same tired resolutions every year. Don’t get me wrong, our quality of life would be greatly enhanced if we could actually see our resolutions through. BUT if our resolutions were that easy to incorporate into our lifestyles, we would have already done so. The following resolutions are some of the most entertaining to watch people attempt: stop smoking, binge drinking & bopping, lose weight, leave that no good man alone, go to church every Sunday, clean up that potty mouth, cut down on frivolous spending, etc. During the month of January, we’ll get a few cheap thrills out of watching people pinch pennies, pack gyms, and use words like frick, shoot, and mother trucker. Rest assured, by the end of February most will be up to their old tricks again. And I’m rather looking forward to it.  It’s always fun to walk up on someone with a bottle Grey Goose in their hand and ask how that less drinking in 2010 pledge is going. And it will be sheer delight to catch someone sporting their “thin in ‘10” sweatshirt, hovering over a supersized value meal at Burger World. I’ve been known to throw cigarettes away to help those who have committed to no smoking in the new year. They’ve never appreciated my help and I‘ve never understood why. 


I read somewhere that instead of making a long list of resolutions, we should all resolve to better decision making in the new year. I think that’s a pretty good idea…and I will start doing so TODAY. Right after I polish off all the last of the holiday treats in my fridge.  Happy New Year!