Phaedra: A Tragedy in Five Acts

Act I:

I can’t stand Phaedra Parks. I almost want to begin and end this post with that one line…but I won’t. The streets have been calling for me to address the newest edition to the Real Housewives of Atlanta for some time now. I’ve held off because every single time I hear her speak, I’m rendered speechless. I literally have know idea where to start.

Act II:
It’s pretty humorous to me that Phaedra and her husband, Apollo, are both named after characters in Greek mythology. Luckily we have a front row seat for this ghetto modern day tragedy. I thought long and hard…and came up with not one but two positive things to say about her. Honestly, they are more so facts than my opinion, but here they are: Phaedra is a prominent entertainment lawyer. She also has a couple degrees under her belt. Problem is she won’t let anyone forget it. Ever. Phaedra and her degrees (as my pal Jen pointed out) are a reminder that you can go to school but you can’t buy class. She puts the T in tacky. Since I am plagued with the burden of proof…I offer her baby shower as Exhibit A. One word: gross. Surely Phaedra had some unfinished business from her wedding she wanted to address at this shower. She even wore one of her old bridesmaid dresses to show she meant business. I thought it was pretty classy how she reused her wedding bouquet as hair accessories for the shower! Now that’s thinking outside the box. The dance with Dwight was nauseating and quite inappropriate. I mean she’s spinning and dipping while 10 months pregnant. The purpose of the ballerinas was a huge question mark for me. But she is a lover of the arts…and most people don’t celebrate the arts quite enough. *blank face* I don’t feel like I can conclude the shower recap without mentioning the strip of rhinestones she donned on her lids. Those little touches are what makes her so sophisticated, don’t you think? Let’s not forget her maternity photo shoot. That pickle. Class all the way baby! Nothing says picture perfect moment like you and your recently paroled husband who is still trying to shake the gay rumors, sucking on a big dill pickle together.


Act III:
I started writing this before Bravo aired the episode Phaedra gave birth and the mystery of the due date was solved in. My disgust for her has only grown since then. You are a grown, allegedly respected woman…and you thought you could lie to the entire world, specifically to 4 other women who are all mothers about how far along you are!? MAYBE…and I mean maybe…if Phaedra wasn’t the size of a double wide trailer home, they would have believed her. In the words of Sheree “Who was she fooling? I've had three kids. I know what nine months pregnant looks like”. Phaedra, you ain‘t gotta lie to kick it. She should have just said please don’t tell my momma I’m 13 months pregnant.

Act IV:

I almost spit coke (okay it was CranApple) upon learning that Phaedra and Apollo continued their Greek tragedy by naming their kid Adonis. Ayden Adonis…but still. They really should quit while they are ahead. But if they decide to have another spawn…and it’s a girl, I definitely think they should name her Medusa.

Act V:
I sincerely hate that Phaedra in all her country-ness, ignorant mutterings, and complete void of taste is supposed to epitomize the smart, successful, professional black woman. Phaedra is single handedly undoing everything I have been doing at work with the white people. White people: please mute the TV when you see her on the screen. Phaedra Parks is buffoonery personified.

In Greek mythology, Phaedra drank poison in the final act. We should be so lucky.