Do Buffalos Have Wings?

Jessica Simpson comes up short
Oh Jess. We’ve had some really good times. Which is why I put this off as long as possible. But, after the stunt you pulled on Project Runway I can no longer turn a blind eye. Admittedly, I’ve been a little angry with you since the divorce. I never understood why you filed in the first place. But that’s not why we’re here today. I supported you when did your little beauty around the world show…I (almost) bought some of your clip in weave…and I laughed behind your back instead of in your face when they said you were a Cowboys’ curse. I even bought a pair of your shoes…which proves I’m clearly over any feelings I may have been harboring since the divorce. But, I have been silent far too long...

First of all, you’re in a safe place. Everyone here loves you. Jess, I understand being on the losing end of the battle of the bulge. So, I’m not here to attack your recent weight gain or your obvious falling out with the gym. However, I would like to point out that you're a mere 5’3” and don’t have much room for expansion. Anyway, I have come here today to discuss your fashion sense…and perhaps to question your common sense. For whatever reason you’ve decided to go it alone without the help of a stylist. I disagree with this decision, but there’s not much I can do about it. Now, we’re in a good place with your shoe and handbag selection…but the rest of your dress game is what we like to call “a hot mess“. In your defense, when you were a teensy bit smaller (say 20 lbs) you mainly wore underwear and bikinis…so clothes are new to you. Since I don’t like to complain without bringing a solution to the table, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a little checklist for you. Go ahead and take a look at this before leaving the house…

If I take 3 consecutive steps, will I break a bone?
Gentle Reminder: If so, your dress too long. The answer is NOT higher heels.

If wearing separates…do I have on bottoms?
Gentle Reminder: Pants are your friend.

Do I have on high-waist pants?
Gentle Reminder: Not ALL pants are your friend.

Do I look 10-15 lbs bigger than I am?
Gentle Reminder: We are going for flattery not fattery.

Have I lost my mind?
Gentle Reminder: If you have to think about it…start over.


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