Stuff Black People Like

Church - I don’t care how late they stay out the night before, there is a breed of black folks who will ALWAYS find their way to the house of the Lord on Sunday morning. They will show up to church wrinkled, reeking of booze, with not a dollar for offering in sight. But they’ll be there. I have seen grown men sleep through the ENTIRE church service. *SMH* We do not care. As long as we make it. A lot of Black churches have a “come as you are” policy, so you see people wearing things that were never supposed to see the inside of a sanctuary. I once went to church in mismatched shoes. They were both white, patent leather - which counts for something. But they were most certainly not the same shoe. I didn’t notice until I had gotten bored with the sermon and glanced towards the floor. But hey, I was there!

Their Mama - Black people become enraged lunatics if anyone talks about their mothers or grandmothers. You can do almost anything you please, but nobody better not talk about my momma! I’ve seen more fights than I care to remember that started with 2 words: YO MOMMA. But, black folks love to talk about other people’s mothers! Go figure.

Obliterating the English Language - *deep sigh* One bad apple…some black people refuse to speak proper English. Almost as if they’ve never taken a grammar class in their life. Black people will make up words, shorten words - you name it. I am going to entertain you with an example: “I’m finna go to da sto cause we posed to have a party tonight, Lil’ Jay and ‘nem prolly coming…so we gotta get some pacific things cause he picky ‘bout what he is and ain‘t gon‘ eat”. *blinks*


Education - Black people love education. Whether it’s their’s or someone else’s. We love to talk about what college someone is going to attend and how much scholarship money they’re receiving. And if it’s a “full ride” well, we are just outdone. Maybe it is all the drama those who came before us had to endure just to have the right to the same education as others. Maybe it is because a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Maybe it’s because we know we don’t have a snowballs chance in hell without it. I’m not quite sure what it is, but black folks love to be caught matriculating at a university!

The President - Now, let’s not get crazy. I am not saying all black folks love Obama. Most do though. Just when we thought the American Dream may not be available in black AND white, here it is in living color. Obama is a father, a husband, a ridiculously intelligent, ivy league educated black man and he is cooler than a summer breeze. Show me a black woman alive that doesn’t want him as a father, husband, mentor, brother, or friend….and I will show you…well, Jennifer. LOL. We do not judge Obama using the same scale as the rest of the world. To black folks, Obama had won…long before he’d actually won. Don’t act like we like him just cause he’s black…we like Clinton too now! And although he never made it to the presidency, I liked Al Gore back in his day. I mean…he did invent the internet after all. *giggles*

Free Stuff - Words cannot express how much black people love getting things for free. It could be something black folks don’t want, don’t like, are allergic to, or never even heard of. It can be broken, outdated, missing pieces, etc. If we see any use for it (not just the intended purpose), we will gladly take it off your hands. But don’t think you can give us just any old thing now. Let’s be clear. It has to invoke a sense of passion, retain some sort of perceived value. Black folks are picky with their free stuff. You know the saying beggers can’t be choosers? They weren’t talking about black ones. We’re quite choosey with our freebies!


Black Movies - Man oh man. Black people flock to the theater when a black movie is out the way non church going black folks flock to church on CME (Christmas, Mother’s Day and Easter). We like to get a little buzz going on how good the movie is supposed to be, who’s in the movie, etc. approximately 3 months before it’s released. Once a black movie hits theaters, we like to complain about how it is only playing at a limited # of theaters throughout the city and only 4 shows a day. In the movie, we may clap, sing along with any music, and talk through the entire movie. But if there is a black movie coming out, you better believe we will be there (unless we can get it on bootleg - which is something else we are fond of). Oh, we will also settle for a non-African American movie that happens to have black folks in it. For instance, I am currently hyping up the new Disney cartoon that is coming out featuring….wait for it…Disney’s 1st black princess. *awwww*

Living Above Their Means - I’ve seen it time and time again. We love to live above our lot in life. We even have a name for it…ballin’. Black folks will have the new Gucci loafers but no rent money. We will pull up in the baddest car, but be living with our mommas (guilty!). We will do whatever we need to do, to get whatever we want…it matters not whether it is out of our league or within our budget. Lights or the new Louis? Meh, you can have electricity any old time…cop the purse! *SMH*


Shuffles - We love to dance. And the best dancing is done in large, synchronized groups known as shuffles. You may be familiar with the Harlem, Cupid or PV. They are kind of like the boot scootin’ boogie but with rhythm white people. We really like to shuffle at weddings, birthday parties, and family reunions. It is almost a rite of passage for us. When you turn 13, you learn the Harlem Shuffle. I challenge you to find one black person who doesn’t know how to shuffle…

Finally It Happened to Me!

Yesterday, I was perusing the eye care aisle in Walgreen's when I happened upon what is arguably the greatest invention of 2009. THE SNUGGIE! Oh, not just any Snuggie
...the limited edition Breast Cancer Research Foundation PINK Snuggie. God is good! Lol. The Snuggie is a lazy person's best friend and so far me and my Snuggie are getting along fabulously. Not to mention the fact that the good folks over at Snuggie threw in a booklight! Dreams do come true...

-- Posted from my iPhone

Knocking Pictures Off the Wall

Last night I attended a little birthday soiree at an art gallery in Montrose. It was a Mardi Gras inspired masquerade party. I never put my mask on, but I did carry it around for about an hour - which has to count for something. Nice concept, nicely executed. This is important because as we know some of the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray! Wine…sushi…all black everything…it was a pretty good look. And the shindig almost went of without a hitch. There was one little problem. The owner of the art gallery decided (unbeknownst to the birthday boy) to chaperone the revelry. You remember back in the day when you attended a “house party” that would have been off the door hinges…if the kid’s mom wouldn’t have kept coming in turning the lights back on, the music down, and making sure everyone had 6 inches between them on the dance floor? Yeah, it was like that but with a non refundable deposit.

*sigh*

The owner complained that guests were standing too close to the art, the music was too loud, and that she “smelled smoke”. Come on lady. Or as the great Ed Lover would say…c’mon son. Now, this wasn’t my party - so this really isn’t my rice bowl BUT the curator was fully aware of the fact that she was renting out her gallery for a social gathering. Typically, said gatherings are likely to include standing (perhaps even cutting a little jig), tunes, and possibly even a ciggie or two. Let the record state, no one was smoking…well except for the birthday boy…who was quite heated. But there was no lighting up of any tobacco related products (and no, no one was smoking weed either - geez people - we iz classy). The poor fella had to request that the music be turned down so low I couldn’t even decipher one song from the next. Instead of going through the trouble of setting up his equipment, the DJ could have just turned on his car radio and pulled up to the front door. It’s a shame the owner took this man’s loot and allowed him to host his birthday party at her art gallery under false pretenses. She was quite rude and unprofessional about the whole thing. At one point, I saw an alient white man walking nervously through the crowd. Yes, she had called in reinforcements. For what, I am still unsure. Most people were seated or standing. I think I was the only person who danced the whole night (they played Beyonce, what was I supposed to do?). The whole scene was mind boggling. The crowd was far from rowdy, so there was no need to bring in anyone else to further minimize the fun. For getting brand spanking new on what to expect when permitting someone to have a bash on your premises, I curse you vile woman! May your support hose eternally chafe your bum! And I stuck my chewing gum behind one of your pictures wretched woman! Heheheh.

Just kidding…or am I?

Good Hair

Houston...Chris Rock's Good Hair is now playing in a theater near you! Every once in a while a flick like this comes along. Good Hair was praised and shunned before people even peeped the opening credits. My Oprah sources (Nik & Candy) reported that a few black ladies were wiggin’ out (tee hee) when Chris Rock was on the show. One sistah actually accused him of "giving our secrets away". Chile please, RELAX (pun intended). White women are still perplexed as to how a “perm” makes their hair curly and our hair straight...*leans in** I think our "secrets" are safe for now girls. Wait…breaking news…this just in…newsflash: white women do not care what we do with our hair and how we do it! Now some of our hair dos (and don’ts) may be fascinating to them at best, but they have their own hair woes. Heck, dwelling in Houston leaves us all vulnerable to the unavoidable – cotton candy hair! But I digress. I am more than eager to see this film! I hope it lives up to the hype! Hair is kind of a big deal to women. Hair (or lack there of) has caused a stir many times in our day (see Sinead O’Connor, Bo Derek’s cornrows in 10, Jennifer Aniston’s The Rachel, Demi Moore a la GI Jane, and Diana Ross as quick references). After I see the film, I will be weighing in on its social relevance and entertainment value.

Shout out to all my fellow sistah's rocking their natural, chemical free hair - Traci (my real sister), Tasha, Tiffany, Faith, Jennifer, Nikole, Candace, Miriam, Toya, Zsaquez, Talia, Yorusolem, Kera, etc.! Whether it's slippery when wet, curly, wavy, kinky, or nappy...flaunt it girls! I have been RELAXER FREE since August 2001. Eight years strong! And I love it! In the words of India.Arie, I am not my hair...but if I were...life would be good! ;)

Holy Publicity Stunt Batman!

Following the Larry King Live fiasco, Chris Brown’s people got back in the lab to brainstorm another way to spit-shine his tarnished image. This meeting of the minds concluded with the birth of what will surely go down in history as the “Chris Brown Fan Appreciation Tour”. The name alone spawns the debate: does Chris have any fans left? I’d say yes. Now the real question is, will they attend his concert? The verdict is still out on that one. Oh, guess where the tour kicks off. That’s right…Houston friggin’ TX. Chris’ clan says all of the concert’s will be in small venues, to keep the setting “intimate”. This is Swahili for we aren’t sure if people still like dude or if they will come. In an effort not to completely waste our money, your time and Chris’ last ounce of pride, we are going to go ahead and keep this thing compact. I am going to contact his label to let them know my pad is available. I mean, I am sure they won’t need the entire spot, so they can just rent out the living room and kitchen. My first thought was the HOB. But a friend of mine said an establishment like the House of Blues would never allow the likes of Chris Brown in the building. She suggested he try Bar Rio. Perhaps. Maybe he will perform at a nice Knights of Columbus hall.

It will be interesting to see how the radio plays this one. Will they give away tickets to the concert, have him come into the studio, play a Chris Breezy mix the day of the concert - like they do every other artist? Or will they ignore him until he goes away? An appreciation concert will either be the worst idea since Octomom’s reality show or it will be just the thing Chris needs to pull him out of exile. Only time will tell, but I imagine Chris has a uphill battle ahead. Oh, one more question…will he wear a wife beater on stage? *cues rimshot*

I’ve actually forgiven Chris for his misconduct because of his age and the fact that we all fall down. My official stance is that they are both young and it is quite unfortunate that such a private matter had to be played out in such a public forum. We all make mistakes, we all do things we are ashamed of, and we all have the luxury of going through these things in private. I know not everyone will agree. But that’s just my two cents. *flings 2 pennies to the ground*

Let me know if you’re going to attend the concert on November 14. Wear socks…I don’t allow shoes on inside my house!

The Hills are Alive with The Sound of Repugnance

Enlisting Lauren Conrad’s nemesis Kristin Cavallari as her replacement on The Hills sounds splendid…in theory. In heavily scripted reality? Not so much. Kristin is the anti-Lauren. Currently MIA: fancy threads, nifty accessories, commendable 9 to 5, trendy hair do’s, much needed make up, and a real purpose for being “in LA for the summer“. Mtv, I’ve kept a watchful eye on the show’s blog on your site and I’m here to tell you, viewers are not amused.

You cannot replace a Chanel totting, Versace clad, Monolo Blahnik prancing, trend setting glamazon with Kristin Rough Around the Edges Cavallari and foresee a pleasurable outcome. Give us a little credit Mtv. We’re actually thinking while watching television. Crazy huh?

Admittedly, Kristin’s shock value is several notches higher than Lauren’s, but that’s what we had Spencer for. We didn’t need a disagreeable heroine. Gripe #210: Kristin’s sole henchmen is “Stacey the bartender”. *roles eyes* These wenches do not know each other Mtv. Do you think we’re stupid? The Hills has always had a propensity towards faux reality, but come on. I can coherently entertain why Kristin would have been at Speidi’s wedding and the thank God our marriage survived the honeymoon bash, but there’s no viable reason Kristin would be in any other social situation we’ve caught her in thus far. She hasn’t seen Lo since they left Laguna High - and they were anything but friends then. She dated Brody, which is how she knows Spencer, Frankie, and could possibly know She Pratt. But would an alleged “maneater” be hanging with her ex and his entourage? Me thinketh not.

This was not well planned out Mtv. You couldn’t even finagle an interesting employment opportunity for Kristin? You were so excited to run around proclaiming “the bitch is back” that you didn’t even have time to create a believable plot line? Don’t give me that look. We know you got Whitney Port her job at DVF for your snoozer of a spin off, The City. If the show is going to be Reality Lite, at least make it entertaining. I’m so disappointed in you, Mtv. When Lauren grew tired of the cameras, you should’ve concluded the show. You’ve cheapened it by bringing Kristin in to pinch hit for Lauren. Kristin has managed to squander away Lauren's legacy in just 3 episodes with her unbridled knack for tackiness. I was holding off on unleashing this ether, for what appeared to be Jade plunging a swig of vodka in Kristin’s face. But this was merely smoke and mirrors. Mtv tried to bide some time with the trickery of editing. Now that last week’s episode exposed the naked truth behind that farce, I’m done.

Grand opening, grand closing. The Hills is a sinking ship. Lo, Brody, and Audrina please grab the nearest life preserver and abort! Mtv, why don’t you shows some music videos in that timeslot? Remember those?

There's An App For That

I downloaded an app which allows me to blog from my iPhone. Things may never be the same. The ability to blog in real time? Lines will be crossed, friendships ruined, alliances made. Words are sure to be incorrectly autocorrected! Stay tuned for What Looks Like Crazy On An Ordinardy Day on the go! I've got my ear to the street and my finger on the touchscreen!

-- Posted from my iPhone

Stuff White People Like

Coffee - I sometimes ponder what life would be like for WP had Starbucks never opened its doors. I bet 27 WP just shuddered at the idea. Coffee is the official modus operandi of the white, working professional. They’ll welcome any form of caffeine. Subsequently, Red Bulls and soda are also in heavy rotation. If a white person ever goes MIA at work, look in 1 of 2 spots - outside on the beloved “smoke break” or hovering over a cup of Joe. As if white people didn’t have a hard enough time understanding us, I always leave them bewildered when I get to the counter and order DECAF. *hears white lady gasp*

Showing Up Early - Look, y’all think WP aren’t familiar with “CP time”. They’re well versed in the highly probability of us running late. Adding insult to injury, they’ll show up 15 minutes early just for the hell of it. White folks hold off 10 minutes, unless it’s for a job interview, to get our hair done, or involves money in anyway. We’ll be on time for any of the aforementioned events!

Ruining Urban Vernacular - WP like to over saturate slang to the point where no self-respecting black person will ever touch it again. E.g. what‘s up, you go girl, and bling bling. All once used by blacks, but have since been forced into extinction. A white lady at work asked me “why are you such a hater?”. I almost passed out. Used it in the right context too! This would normally be cause for concern, but hater is safe for now. She’s an early bloomer on the proper utilization. I salute you, trailblazing woman of genius!

Being Outdoorsy - First thing that comes to mind is hunting. You’d think white folks learned their lesson when Cheney shot that man in the face. Nope. Not only are WP still hunting, they’re teaching their kids. God help us. White folks love to be outside. Typically found camping, skiing, rock climbing, boogie boarding. Black folks spent enough time outside running around barefoot in the bush of Africa. We prefer A/C.

Hollister - It’s a widely known fact that WP single handedly keep this store afloat. Abercrombie & Fitch and American Eagle too…but, Hollister is the whitest white brand of them all. Largest size they offer is extra medium. Warning: may be required to take brown paper bag test before being granted entry into store. Make sure you study!

Hummus - Looks like wet cement. Tastes the same. If you attend any social gathering held in a white person‘s honor, you’ll be offered hummus. Instructions: Take small spoon full. Sequester to corner of plate. Leave untouched. And for Pete’s sake, don’t divulge the fact that you’ve never had it before. Take heed!

Tailgating - WP will forego making it inside the stadium for 6 beers, anything off the grill, a hand-held radio, and a fold-out chair. Season tickets? Yeah, they got ‘em. But, they only use the parking passes! Once they set up shop, they leave only after the beer runs out.

Fairness - I know y’all like when things are fair. So, I have a stuff black people like coming soon…

Miss Guided

Lil Mama...*SMH* Bey tried to told you not to do this. I thought this was an urban legend, but it is quite real. Bey tried to stop Lil Mess from taking the stage. Why on earth would anyone in their right mind charge the stage in a rhinestoned tie dye corset and Babyphat jeans anyway? Poor thing.

Eat at Mo’s

...if you like your meals spicy with a side of ho. Let’s rewind a bit. Last week I went to a little steak place on the corner of Why Me Blvd. and No Shame Ave. As I’m heading inside my friend says, “Oh, this place is apparently known for being a spot where men come to meet hookers”. *looks into camera* Exsqueeze me!? Initially, I didn’t think much of that little tidbit. But after say 20 minutes, you could tell something wasn’t quite right. It was a brothel cleverly hidden inside the bar area of a dining establishment. You could spot the women who'd accidently wandered in oblivious to the goings on of this place…and you could tell who the ‘tutes were in an instant. Yes, prostitutes.

Apparently Herve Leger plus Christian Louboutin divided by class equals I’m a hooker at Mo’s because every white man in a 100 mile radius decided we fell in the latter of the two categories. Just our luck, black women seem to be in high demand in the underworld of hookery. These dudes were on us like white on brown rice. One stalked me from across the room, then made his move. Before I knew it he'd welcomed himself into my personal space. Once inside this sacred area, he proceeded to ramble off obscene desires in what I believe to be English. I managed to shake him. But he didn’t go far. He kindly helped himself to a sample of the entire table. Fondling us with his dirty words, undressing us with his senile eyes. I decided enough was enough when he ever so gently suggested that he and I get a room. *moves eyebrows up and down rapidly* We did what any respectable sistahs would do. We enlisted the help of nearest angry black man to scare him off. After Father Time let us be, the younger men started wandering over to gawk at us. I felt like an animal in the effin zoo. Dudes would trot on over to take a gander, but luckily stayed a healthy distance away. Almost like there was some invisible force field of class keeping them at bay.

After about 2 hours and 32 unspoken invitations for a romp in the hay, we got the hell out of Dodge. As we exited stage left, one of the ‘tutes tossed us a glance and hopped into her Maserati. I swear I heard her say “you broads ain’t got enough stamps in your passport to f*ck with me” as she peeled out of the parking lot. But maybe not...

Repeat Offenders

Every Tom, Dick and Harry know celebs live by a different creed than us regular folks. They’re typically ostracized for wearing something more than once. Which really isn’t fair given the retail value of their merchandise. But, I won’t be feeling sorry for them anytime soon. Thanks to the ever present stalkerazzi, commoners can open a magazine or turn on the tube on any given Sunday to catch our beloved stars doing anything from going to the grocery store to attending a movie premier. And if they happen to be doing so in the same threads we saw them in last week… it's most certainly curtains for them! Although I am famous for running my favorite pieces into the ground…since I am not famous for anything else, I get a pass! Catching a celebrity in the same ANYTHING more than once, has become as noteworthy as who they were last seen canoodling with. People mag even has a monthly piece called “I Really Love My…” where they put superstars on blast for rocking something 3 or 4 times in public. It can be as simple as a belt or necklace, we don’t care. We love to see anything which offers proof that stars are mere mortals. And repeating outfits tops the list of things normal people do. There are a few stars in this galaxy - I won’t name names (MEAGAN GOOD)- who have zero shame in being photographed in the same thing twice. Meagan is a sexy beast we all know this…but we would like to see her in something other than the disco tights from American Apparel and that leather bomber she always dons. Meagan…c’mon sister, get a stylist. Although you're C-list at best, Rachel Zoe would gladly take you in...

*sigh*

Big ups to www.Fashionista101.com!

The Bail Out Book Club...endings, who needs 'em?

I've always had a love affair with reading. As a youngster I loved The Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley Twins, and Where the Sidewalk Ends. I thought Shel Silverstein was God. Imagine my surprise in learning that Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me Too wasn't in the bible! Even earlier than that I was obsessed with reading Beverly Cleary’s Ramona Quimby, Pickle Juice, The Chocolate Touch, Judy Blume's Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing, and of course Are you There God? It's Me Margaret. Man, those books are a part of me. *hears someone in background do nerd cough* I'd like to think reading helped shape my vivid imagination. Honorable mention: hours upon hours of television may have helped too. But in my old age, I have been become somewhat of a book bandit. Starting books, but failing to finish them. The little Mocity girl in me is standing in the harshest judgment of the Houston lady of leisure I have become, who has no time to finish books and no shame in quitting. Have I no dignity? Apparently not. And if dignity is masterfully hidden on the last page of a good book, I may never find mine!

Books I have recently abandoned:
The DaVinci Code
The Hour I First Believed
Eat, Pray, Love
The Lovely Bones
A Million Little Pieces
Valley of the Dolls

The good thing is the list of books I have read in their entirety is much longer. But, I am losing my geek cred (like street cred but with Barnes & Nobles reward cards). I'm starting a new book tonight. We will just have to see how this one goes...but the odds of me finishing it are about as good as Chris Brown and Rhianna meeting me for a domestic violence rally later tonight...at which Lil Momma will join us on stage uninvited standing beside me in her B Boy stance...then Kanye will storm the stage, grab the mic and let everyone know that Lil Momma's interruption was good...but he just had one of the best interruptions of all times.

*yawns* Maybe I will start the book tomorrow...

What's that Ye? Baby these heels...

I have never been the type of chick to keep up with what season something came out in. i.e. These are from the 2009 Gucci Cruise Collection. *barf* And..so effin what...who keeps up with that stuff? I bet those who do can't tell you how many books there are in the new testament! And no, The Book of Prada doesn't count as one. I have also never been one to keep up with what season you're not supposed to wear things in. i.e. no white after labor day. When it is socially acceptable to wear boots v. sandals. Ahh, who cares. I don't even adhere to the light nail polish in the summer, dark in the winter rule. I wear what I want...when I want. I got better things to do than be worried about some alleged fashion rules. When I roll out of bed I grab the last thing I had on or whatever fits..and rock with it. That being said, I am not a self proclaimed "shoe girl". I believe this is the only attribute separating me from being Carrie Bradshaw. I typically like shoes that are cute, fit these narrow @$$ feet of mine, and don't hurt my dogs.  I wore my Louboutins last night, so you can probably hear them barking through your PC. *grrrr* I am notorious for putting a spare pair of flippies in my handbags in preparation for the old switcheroo later in the night. I guess it's the boughetto in me. Chile please, I will pull out my flats/throw those heels in my bag so fast you won't even see it happen. I have been in some of the fanciest places in these great states in my $2 old navy flip flops. Hey, everybody situation ain't the same! Those who know me know the deal! But, like any chick with a healthy estrogen level, a nice shoe will catch my eye. I think these joints are hot...nothing like the Obama sneakers, but still hot!

One hell of a night!

Ever imagine what it would be like in hell? I bet you have, you devil, you. I liken hell to a bad night out at the club. You know the night. The one that never ends. Starts off with intentions on having one drink and heading home, but after a series of unfortunate events you end up out until 5am. Yeah, one of those nights.

Upon entering hell, every woman is charged $900 in exchange for a pair of Christian Louboutins (the red bottoms would be fitting in hell). Loubous are THE must have status symbol of today's relevant woman and they happen to be the most uncomfortable shoes I have ever owned. Only in hell would you gladly pay $1K to be that uncomfortable. Thanks Christian! The Hell welcome committee also tosses everyone a pair of Spanx on their way in. I remember when I donned my first pair of Spanx. I was in Miami (of all places). Things were looking up (especially my butt which was being held a good 5 inches higher in the air than usual by the new age girdle). Then I ate....a. lot. Now...not being accustomed to the restrictions of the Spanx...I may have overindulged a bit. I have always had a very healthy appetite, so this wasn't anything out of the ordinary. BUT, the Spanx and my belly conspired against me...in a revolt of epic proportions. I look back fondly on that day as what will go down in history as the worst day of my tummy's life. Since then, I have learned to control the control tops. But, in hell...every girl's Spanx would be 1 size too small and squeeze so tight that circulation would be cut off once you wiggle into the evil contraption known as Spanx. Hell only has knock off handags.  Good luck with that.  You also have the following fragrance options...CK One, Designer Imposters -Primo, or White Diamonds.  Any one is pretty classy.  So it's a win - win.  Oh, since this is hell...you also got your hair highlighted with Sun In earlier that day...you have now managed to pull the few strands you have left into a banana clip - which is the only hair accessory available in hell. Hell was advertised as free before 11, but you get there at 10:45 and are charged $25. You have no cash, there is not ATM. Welcome to hell. You head over to the bar only to realize hell is limited to 4 drink options which are Colt 45, Fuzzy Navel wine coolers, Zima, or Boone's Farm. Pick your poison. It takes about 30 minutes to get one drink since hell's wait staff is none other than the same jerks you can currently catch waiting tables daily at Cyclone Anaya's in Midtown. Quite possibly the rudest people to ever take your order. My friends and I had a brief love affair with that place a few summers ago. There was not a Saturday afternoon that didn't catch us on the patio of Cyclone's. And although we were clearly regulars...they always managed to make us feel like the 1st black family to move to Vidor. I strongly dislike them. Glad to see they made it to hell. Thx, Mgt. You get your drink and saunter over to VIP, but it is a futile effort. VIP is impossible to get into in hell, so you and your entourage has been banished to the dance floor. Did I mention hell only plays songs everyone secretly loves but would never admit to knowing...like LMFAO's I'm in Miami Trick, Flo Rida's Head Right Round, and Miley Cyrus' Butterfly Fly Away. The ratio of women to men in hell is 62:2 (if you are a woman, it is vice versa if you are a man). It seems as though the only members of the opposite sex in the room are your ex's and the other party in any one night stand you've ever chose to partake in. C’mon son, it's hell. After you have thrown up in the bathroom, fell asleep in the DJ booth, and lost your cell phone (which never had service anyway...hello...this is hell! no bars in no places), you finally convince your friends to leave. On your way out of Club Hell, you realize your car has either been stolen, hit, or towed. If you are a certain "best friend" of mine, a fourth option is your car is in one piece, but you run out of gas on the freeway. LOL. Either way, this is hell...so good luck getting home.

Amber Rose: An Ode to Ambivalence

She's bold, she's crass...her boobs are too big and she has too much @$$. She chain smokes. Her boyfriend is a jerk (when the cameras are rolling). And she is quite possibly the only woman in history to have a spread in a high fashion magazine bent over in a pair of daisy dukes. You can typically catch her rocking a suit...sadly, not a three piece...she seems to  prefer birthday or cat. She must have stock in spandex. It's all she owns. She wears glasses at night, thongs to the beach, and white contacts on the red carpet. She doesn't mind being photographed in cages, a full frontal squat, on all fours, or taking a bottle of Hennessey to the head. She has too many tattoos and not enough hair. She used to be a lesbian but I guess Ye really doesn't care (he did say he'd do anything for a blonde dike...and she'd do anything for the limelight). Some days I think Kanye exploits the girl, other days I am certain she is exploiting herself! She has mastered the art of being seen and not heard. When was the last time (or first time for that matter) you have heard her utter a word? She's all wrong...but it seems so right. Despite the fact that she is Stripclub Chic...for some unexplainable reason...WE LOVE THIS GIRL. I am not sure when it happened. Definitely not sure how. But the world has stopped to smell the Amber Roses. Smells like Teen Spirit...with a dash of desperation. Or maybe a little like S-e-x Panther.  I love how Kanye takes her to fashion week in Paris...dresses her up in evening gowns...lets her rub elbows with the elite...but she always manages to make her way back to the gutter. It's so Pretty Woman of them.  If she ever has to choose between the pole and the high life, I hope Amber Rose takes the fairytale!

10 Things I Hate About You

Yeah right! I couldn't hate this chick if I tried.  I have an ongoing fascination with Victoria Bechkam aka Posh.  It started about 13 years ago when I saw the oddest video late one night on Mtv (back when they still showed videos).  There was so much going on.  Chicks flipping, dancing on tables, disturbing the peace...a wicked cool black chick with crazy hair, a red head with big boobs...but amidst it all, my eyes kept traveling back to the seemingly more reserved and fashion conscious chick in the bunch.  Who is this gal, I wondered.  Well...who the hell are these people was my 1st thought, but you get the idea.  I love you Posh...and here's why...

10.  You've made "soccer mom" cool again (wait, was it ever?).  You're quite possibly THE jazziest soccer mom on the planet. I salute you woman of genius.

9.  You don't like being called "Vicky".  I hate nicknames...so I found this tidbit to be quite interesting. Everyone is so lazy nowadays.  People will even find a way to shorten a nickname.  Call me by my gobment name!

8. You change your hairstyle, color, and length like folks change their drawers.  I dig it.  I've never seen a style I didn't like. 

7. Your kids have the most awesome names: Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz. How cool are they?

6. Your an author.  Not one...but two books in your repertoire. And as your resident thick chick...trust me, that extra half an inch makes all the difference in the world. Thanks for the suggestion!

5. You're not "too good" for the hood. I mean you DO have a son named Brooklyn.  But, seeing one of the most famous people in the UK do a Rocawear ad = cool feelings.  You made urban wear look...well...quite posh! 

4. You have a Hermes' Berkin bag for every day of the week. White...purple...burnt orange...pink. Who but you? And you carry them to the darndest place i.e. Football (aka soccer) games!

3. Your dress game is vicious! Style icon is the label you wear best. Undeniably one of the flyest chicks in the game. The heels...tha handbags...the haute couture...the hot to defness of it all is too much!

2. Your husband.  David Beckham.  I want to keep this thing respectable...so I will tread lightly....but this
man is BE-YOU-Tee-FULL.  If you ever want to trade dudes, I'm game. *peeks into your window for a glimpse of Becks*

1. You have successfully mastered the art of looking arroganltly above it all.  You always seem so over it, without coming across as uninteresting. It works for you.

Dirty Low Down Monkey With a Wig On

I went to bed last night telling myself I needed to blog about this week's episode of Real Housewives asap. When I woke up this morning, I heard that Kandi's fiancé had been killed. I took to Twitter like any respectable journalist would...and sure enough Kandi had confirmed the awful news. Since life can't be all fun and games (sometimes it's about guns n' roses)...I wanted to mention what happened before I recapped the episode. AJ's children and Kandi are in my thoughts today. With that being said....*how can one give a good segue out of that...all I can do is jump into it!*

*SMH* That NeNe almost outdid herself in the latest installment of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I believe I may have been partaking in a cold beverage just about the time she called Kim a dirty low down monkey in a wig. As I wiped juice off my shirt, I realized NeNe is in fact insane. She is quite a character, that one. But let's rewind a bit. Since last week's episode was sort of a snoozer, I decided not to dedicate an entire blog to it. However, I would like to give it a few minutes of airtime to address "The Pocketbook Monologues". I was floored by the way that old lady blatantly swagger jacked The Vagina Monologues. LOL. Why do black people think you can change a few words around, add a bit of chocolate and walla....whole new idea! You can't. Also...if I heard "triangle between their thighs" one more time I was going to throw myself over the banister. And another thing, Sheree's portrait....*looks into camera* GIRL BYE! She looked so damn simple in that painting. She should have had James Evans Jr. paint her! Anyway...in this week's episode...they recorded Tardy for the Party...then debuted it at Kandi and Kim's birthday party. The song went over well. Kim still can't sing, but Kandi needs to pull her little friend to the side and explain to her the invention of Autotune...cause Kim seems to think that is her real voice on that song. Honey you're a fool! What else happened? Oh, Kim got engaged...to a married man. *scratches head* Is that even legal? Ha! Kim has two young daughter's and proclaimed to the world, "I have no problem with dating a married man". Boy, Mother of the Year is going to be a close call this year! Since the blogosphere is already going wild on that one...I will leave it alone. Did anything else of note take place? Oh, Kandi performed. I actually like her song, I Fly Above. Kind of catchy. Her outfit at her performance was rather questionable...but the girl is in mourning...so I will let her alone. Sheree and Dwight have thrown caution (and commonsense) to the wind and decided to team up for the SHE by Sheree fashion show. I think it's going down between them next week...so put a bookmark there as Nikole would say. Sheree took the idiot stick figure with no soul ("Tania" is what she answers to I hear) to NYC with her to look at her samples. The samples were abysmally ordinary. I don't understand what Sheree is trying to pull here but I guess we will just have to wait and see...

I'm feeling some kind of way as Paco says...like the season started off really good and is sort of fizzling out.  Somebody better get slapped or shift a wig soon or these chicks may not see a season 3!

Before we go...did you happen to catch Dwight running like a caught slave in his spandex onesie and heels in the preview for next week's episode? OMG. If you missed that magical moment, grab your boogie board and surf over to bravotv.com STAT! 

Lurking in the shadows...it's a bird...it's a plane...nope, it's just Solange!

As an honorable mention to my ode to Bey, I thought it only right to give a little shine to the other Knowles girl. You know, what's her name. Oh yeah...Solange...aka Solo Star *snickers*. I happen to like Solange and her music. She's got chutzpah! Bey once said in an interview that she wishes she were more like her little sister...says Solange is feisty...tells it like it is and is not afraid to be 100% herself! My friend Tolu argues that Solange is artistically more creative than Bey...I tend not to agree but can respect her argument. Bey is an entertainer in every sense of the word. Solange ain't got enough stamps in her passport to be compared to Bey just yet --probably not ever. I would liken Bey to a Hollywood summer blockbuster, while Solange is like a good indy flick that has a small, but loyal fan base. So depending on whether you are a main stream music lover or an underground feign...you might tend to prefer one over the other. I don't dare compare the two. They are mutually exclusive in my book. But, I would like to take a minute to address this misconception that Solange is "not cute". Admittedly, I am probably a little biased here since they say we favor. Solange is too purdy! She just doesn't look like Bey. Beyonce is a miniature Tina. Solange may or may not look more like Matthew...what's it to ya!? I think she is a very cute girl. And I do like that she gets a little high class gangsta on folks too.  Remember when she got hood...you know HOOD...on that reporter bc she though she was going to ask her about Jay? That was awesome. Trot over to You Tube if you missed it. Very boughetto at all times. Another thing we obviously have in common. The thing I liked the most is how when the reporter cleared up lil Bey's misunderstanding of what happened, Solange responded with a nonchalant, dry "oh ok". Hehhehe. Oh...also worth mentioning...I happen to know a real life (recovering) Solange Stan. Can you believe that!? Won't mention any names...JENNIFER...but yes, Solo has stans too. Mom and Dad should be so proud. My one gripe is sometimes Solange gets a little too Lady GaGa with her 'fits. But at least she's skinny and has a swagger (worked SWAGGER in just for you Jen, I know how much you love the word) with those little outifts of her. Solange...I salute you. You are eternally in your sister's shadow...yet you STILL have managed to get your shine on! Gon' girl....

And it all started on Beyonceworld.net......

Like any good Stan would, I like to keep a watchful eye on the comings and goings of my girl Bey. But, what begins with the best intentions always seems to end in despair. A few years ago a friend of mine (Tasha!) banished me from visiting the illustrious .commer that is beyonceworld.net. Said I was catching feelings on the site. Couldn't handle the fabulousness of the life that is Bey G. Knowles'. I would start out praising, but end up pouting. And it was true. I couldn't help myself. Last night, as I reached what I like to call the end of the internet, I casually sauntered on over to beyonceworld.net. To my dismay, nothing had changed. Still the whole shyt of the whole night. Still married to him *swoons*. Still globetrotting. Still flyy as f*ck. What started out ooooh, ended up ewwww. Is it just me or is Bey having the best week ever...every. single. week. *sigh* I mean how can one chick have it all? Intense beauty...just enough booty (no homo)...more money than God...a supportive family...and the flyest dude ever made (what up Jay!). If I didn't love her so much, I would secretly wish for some sort of hidden affliction. Maybe bacne, a suspicious mole, perhaps an 11th toe. She has it all. And she had the audacity to have actually worked for all of the things she has. The gall! :) Actual work...not like the "work" Kim and Paris have done for their alleged "fame". No offense Kim...I heart you too. Paris...you're dead to me (see cottage cheese in a trash bag remark for reasons). I mean...Bey you know I am obsessed with you er...I love you....but dang man......*folds arms*. It just doesn't seem fair for so much awesomeness to be packed into one girl. And the proverbial cherry on top...is that all of the best designers in the world send Bey the best pieces from their collections every year. Her life is an endless room of free swag. One of the only women in this galaxy who can actually afford all of the finer things in life gets them for the low, low price of absolutely free. Where is the fairness in this world I ask you? Make no mistake about it...I am a proud, card-carrying Beyonce Stan. I just get a little sidetracked every once and again. It's the Bey Effect. I'm feeling a bit like Icarus. Last night I got too close to the sun! But I digress. Bey...you are the greatest. You keep us all on our toes. They wub to hate on you... and I love to watch them try. Keri Hilson and Amerie *rolls eyes* had the NERVE to come at you sideways. They should be waiting in line to kiss your ring! Oh...and P.S. for Amerie to claim you jacked her swag...not to mention her producer...teehehe...she is looking a lot like you in her (where is NeNe when you need her?) ALTER EGO PHOTOSHOOT. She gets two thumbs down for that one. But you know what they say Bey. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And Keri...you so weak/whack for trying to pretend like you weren't firing shots at Bey on that remix girl...if you are going to do it...DO IT. Don't throw a rock then hide your hand. Who knew Keri was a studio gangsta!? Well...I was feeling a bit J...about Bey and Jay....but it has passed....see all I have to do is talk this thing through....and all is right with the world again. See Tasha...I told you I could handle going on that site! I mean I was out on the ledge for a while....but at least the breeze was nice! I'll catch you good folks later, I'm going to head on over to beyonceworld.net to see what I have missed in the last 24. Brunch with Obama? Tea with the Queen perhaps? Whatever it is...I'm sure I can handle it!