I Knew It Would Come to This!

Apparently you can teach your embryo to read for the low, low price of $51.99. Parents are all over this one. But in my not so humble opinion, this is one of the scariest innovations I have seen in a long time. I am not sure why I am so freaked out by it. Something just doesn't seem right. A reading fetus? I kid, I kid. But seriously folks, some of these kiddos can barely talk...correction: some of them can't even talk...all they can do it point at the physical form of whatever word they just read! It's not right I tell ya. I mean, why should a one year old know how to read? What good will it do? It will almost always lead to trouble for anyone around them. Watch! Think of all the capers that will most certainly ensue. A reading baby! What's next...a black president? *teehee* Ever notice in the "info-mercial" the kid is always reading in the dark or some awkward, inappropriate setting? It all seems so hush hush and low key. Like the parents know it's odd, so they have to sneak and teach their baby to read. We all know knowledge = power. You want to give your babies this much power? They will rule the roost! Lack of privacy will be at an all time high. If these little braniacs can read, they can spell. Remember the good old days when any respectable parent could have a highly inappropriate conversation with their kid right there in the room? Ahh the joy of spelling out words around those who can't spell. It's America's favorite pastime is what it is. Using someone's lack of knowledge as an opportunity to take advantage of them...well, it's the American way. Now they want to take this pleasure away from us adults? What are we supposed to do now? Wait until the kids are not around to tell the story of how Jane's husband walked in on her having s-e-x with the pool boy? No way! They just sold us all down the river. And for 52 bucks? Catastrophic! And medicine cabinets across the nation will never be safe again. I'll tell you that much. Go ahead and forget about trying to put child safety locks on them. All the baby Einstein has to do is read the directions on how to work around them! Next, Junior will be at Sunday School telling everyone how mommy found a box of something called "Trojans" in daddy's car. Is this what you want? Or your infant ruining little Shlomo's bris with the untimely tale of while rummaging through her personals, he happened upon a bottle of Valtrex under his older sister's bed. To do lists, journals and diaries will be forced into extinction. And your IMs and text messages are as good as read. You'll be a prisoner in your own home. All because you wanted Madeline to have a jump on pre-K. This is sure to ruin Christmas. How you ask? Well, I haven't quite worked out the logistics of this thing yet. But you mark my word...if Christmas is indeed ruined, a literate 16 month old will be the culprit! Remember back in our day, when a child was to be seen and not heard. I think our parents were on to something. You people always want to rush things. Then look back and wonder where the time went. Little Ethan is sure to embarrass you through this reading foolishness. You just wait and see.


Is this the life you want for yourself? If so, order today!