All Hail the Queen: Beyonce’ + Tumblr = Life.

I have BIG news (for those of you who have been residing under a rock)...BEYONCE. HAS. A. TUMBLR. Yesssssssssssss girl….Bey has posted over 3000 photos from her personal archives. Okay…maybe there aren’t 3000 per say, but there might as well be. I feel like there are that many (in my heart). The notoriously private Beyonce’ Giselle Knowles has given us Stans/fans yet another amazing glimpse into her personal life. It’s the greatest Easter miracle! Okay, second greatest.

You can see all sorts of photos of me and Bey on vacation, me rubbing her pregnant belly, us just talking…hanging out…ya know, just being sisters. Oh, my bad…that’s Solange, not me. Tomato, tomatoe.

In any event, I took the liberty of compiling a list of singers Bey’s Tumblr just sh*tted on...and outsold.

Those who Bey did it on: Ciara (sorry CiCi this is business, love you tho), Keri Hilson (f*ck Keri Hilson!), Christina Milian, Cassie (Puff asked me to add you), Monica (okay not you girl…I like you), Brandy, Keyshia Cole (although I must say I do not want it with you girl), Ashanti (who??), Fantasia (I don’t feel bad about adding you to the list because I know you can’t read this)…and all the rest of you runners-up…bow down…kiss the ring…curtsy…do whatever the f*ck you mere mortals do when in the presence of greatness…cause she’s back. Queen Bey gave you hoes 9 months to challenge her thrown. And you did absolutely nothing with it.

Bey tried to told you she was “strong enough to bare the children…then get back to business!” She was warning you tired floozies. But no…you didn’t listen. So, whatever happens from this day forth…remember, you brought this on yourselves. And I mean, she is not even technically back yet. How you let a chick assassinate your relevance whilst on maternity leave?! Ya’ll weak!

Smooches!

S/O to The Queen Bey, the Honey Beys, the Digger Beys, the Bumble Beys and the Never Gonna Be Beys.

Note: Even though Mary J. is shucking and jiving in that chicken commercial, I wouldn’t dare add her to the list of hoes Bey is effortlessly slayin‘. I am crazy…but I am not THAT cray. I didn’t add A. Keys either. I like her. Even tho she pissed me off with that Swizz Beatz stuff. But hell, Mashonda wasn’t in the studio with him making them beats! I didn’t add Rihanna either because I am not only a Stan, I am also in the Navy. Anyone else I didn’t add to the list was excluded in error. Hi haters (aka wasps)! 

Bey being Bey

 

And it all started on Beyonceworld.net......

Like any good Stan would, I like to keep a watchful eye on the comings and goings of my girl Bey. But, what begins with the best intentions always seems to end in despair. A few years ago a friend of mine (Tasha!) banished me from visiting the illustrious .commer that is beyonceworld.net. Said I was catching feelings on the site. Couldn't handle the fabulousness of the life that is Bey G. Knowles'. I would start out praising, but end up pouting. And it was true. I couldn't help myself. Last night, as I reached what I like to call the end of the internet, I casually sauntered on over to beyonceworld.net. To my dismay, nothing had changed. Still the whole shyt of the whole night. Still married to him *swoons*. Still globetrotting. Still flyy as f*ck. What started out ooooh, ended up ewwww. Is it just me or is Bey having the best week ever...every. single. week. *sigh* I mean how can one chick have it all? Intense beauty...just enough booty (no homo)...more money than God...a supportive family...and the flyest dude ever made (what up Jay!). If I didn't love her so much, I would secretly wish for some sort of hidden affliction. Maybe bacne, a suspicious mole, perhaps an 11th toe. She has it all. And she had the audacity to have actually worked for all of the things she has. The gall! :) Actual work...not like the "work" Kim and Paris have done for their alleged "fame". No offense Kim...I heart you too. Paris...you're dead to me (see cottage cheese in a trash bag remark for reasons). I mean...Bey you know I am obsessed with you er...I love you....but dang man......*folds arms*. It just doesn't seem fair for so much awesomeness to be packed into one girl. And the proverbial cherry on top...is that all of the best designers in the world send Bey the best pieces from their collections every year. Her life is an endless room of free swag. One of the only women in this galaxy who can actually afford all of the finer things in life gets them for the low, low price of absolutely free. Where is the fairness in this world I ask you? Make no mistake about it...I am a proud, card-carrying Beyonce Stan. I just get a little sidetracked every once and again. It's the Bey Effect. I'm feeling a bit like Icarus. Last night I got too close to the sun! But I digress. Bey...you are the greatest. You keep us all on our toes. They wub to hate on you... and I love to watch them try. Keri Hilson and Amerie *rolls eyes* had the NERVE to come at you sideways. They should be waiting in line to kiss your ring! Oh...and P.S. for Amerie to claim you jacked her swag...not to mention her producer...teehehe...she is looking a lot like you in her (where is NeNe when you need her?) ALTER EGO PHOTOSHOOT. She gets two thumbs down for that one. But you know what they say Bey. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And Keri...you so weak/whack for trying to pretend like you weren't firing shots at Bey on that remix girl...if you are going to do it...DO IT. Don't throw a rock then hide your hand. Who knew Keri was a studio gangsta!? Well...I was feeling a bit J...about Bey and Jay....but it has passed....see all I have to do is talk this thing through....and all is right with the world again. See Tasha...I told you I could handle going on that site! I mean I was out on the ledge for a while....but at least the breeze was nice! I'll catch you good folks later, I'm going to head on over to beyonceworld.net to see what I have missed in the last 24. Brunch with Obama? Tea with the Queen perhaps? Whatever it is...I'm sure I can handle it!