Skinny Jeans < Skinny Genes

I try to make it a habit not to partake in things that do not fit me based on description alone.  i.e. skinny jeans. I'm a lot of things…but frankly, skinny isn’t one of them. Now, I had my skinny day in the sun. But an overcast of about 25 lbs has long since clouded that day. I actually lost about 15 lbs a few years ago and simultaneously found the courage to attempt the skinny jean. After all, if Kate Moss can wear them...*blinks* The skinny jeans experiment went over quite well back then. Subsequently, I found the weight I lost back then (it was hiding in my fridge next to the Ben and Jerry’s) and my one and only pair of skinny jeans now mocks me from the corner of my closet. They think they’re so hot in all their skinny wonder!

I have grown to loathe the skinny jean which appears to have only been created to serve a life sentence as the bane of my existence. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse…The Gap (of all places) decides to go ahead and design…get this…the “really skinny pants”. That’s right folks…skinny is no longer in vogue...apparently really skinny is where all the action is now. Who wants to be really skinny anyway? Really skinny doesn’t have any friends…really skinny isn’t popular or even believable unless you're on a runway in Paris. I say down with really skinny and its stupid pants! It’s high time someone created fat jeans! What about ‘can’t lose this baby weight pants’? Or even Freshmen 15 capris? I know many women who would benefit from the ‘things just aren’t the same trouser’. It’s time for pants to adhere to people’s circumstances!

http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=57240&vid=1&pid=772541&scid=772541002

Somewhere Along The Line…I Feel Like I Heard the Word Bitch

As a Basketball Wives enthusiast, I was overjoyed by the latest installment. 30 minutes of pure fuckery. For those who haven’t succumb to the mind numbing, fooleywang known as Basketball Wives…here’s a summation. Set in Miami, the show chronicles the lives of 5 (sometimes 6) women who have been associated with a NBA player at some point in their lives. Now, don’t let the name fool you. Only one of the ladies is actually a “basketball wife“…and she is likely to be divorced by season 3. Since her soon to be ex-husband is now retired from the league…she doesn’t even technically meet the criteria either. Alas, we give The Real Housewives of (Insert Place Here) a pass on this, so we shall do the same here.

Meet the cast: Shaunie (see: Shaq) is the leader of the pack. She acts as narrator, mother hen, and sometimes drama ring leader. Evelyn is the resident bitch and ex-fiancé’ of a NBA player. Jennifer is the docile, doormat who is unhappily married. Suzie is the racially ambiguous, apparent recovering thumb sucker, who was once engaged to/with 2 kids by a NBA baller. Tami (lord have mercy what happened to her!?) is the ex-wife of a ball player. Last (and yes least) Royce is an ex-NBA dancer, baby mamma of some player, and an all-around horrible dresser.

To bring you up to speed, season 2 opens with Shaunie moving to Miami for an extended stay, whilst her 18 kids are with Shaq (see: nanny) for the Summer. Another notable happening is the ostracism of Suzie out of the inner circle due to her loose lips re: Evelyn‘s sexcapades in Sin City. Suzie should know better. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (unless you don’t use protection). Jennifer is still stuck in a marriage that is on a speeding train…destination: nowhere. Royce has managed to shake her horrible reputation and convince some poor sap to by her man. And Tami - the newest “wife” is inducted into the Circle of Trust. Now you may remember Tami from her stint on Mtv’s Real World. But that was in a land long ago and far away before she was rich then poor, married then divorced, happy then bitter. Tami has replaced Gloria “That’s What’s Up” Govan who was apparently too good to return for another season (let her tell it). Yet, manages to sneak in a cameo before the opening credits.

Action: So Jennifer and Evelyn are sitting around being their normal fabulous/catty selves, when Evelyn drops the petty bomb. They have been purposely omitted from the guest list of a fundraiser *gasp*. Since the event is being hosted by yet another NBA ball player’s baby mama, who they have exchanged words with in the past - the invite oversight is deemed intentional and inexcusable. So they do what any classy, socialite would do…oh wait, that’s the real housewives…this is the real hoodwives…Jen and Ev choose to forgo the high road and crash the fundraiser. The type of poise and grace Evelyn displayed when she sailed passed the doorman elegantly uttering the phrase “we know we’re not on the muthf*cking guest list…get the f*ck out of here“ cannot be mimicked or learned. This type of class is only bred, passed down from generation to generation.

As the ladies who were invited sit around cackling about the absence of Ren and Stimpy…as if on cue, in walks Jennifer and Evelyn…feeling like a million bucks…looking more like $425 combined. Suzie…fresh out of exile, sees her best superficial friend turned nemesis (Evelyn) saunter in. Being the courageous warrior she is, she politely gulps down her Rosette and heads for the hills. Royce who has made the unfortunate mistake of placing an entire bag of Yaky 2B atop her head, stands frozen in horror. Shaunie mutters something to the key of “aww hell”. And the hostess (only known to me as Raefar Alston’s BM) just stands there…blank faced and stupefied.

As their first order of business, the ladies do what any respectable party crashers would…they march over to the hostess and demand an explanation as to why they weren’t invited. As if the presence of the uninvited guests wasn’t enough, Tami - who is clearly on the wrong end of her daily meds…instantly becomes agitated (although this whole thing has absolutely positutely nothing to do with her). Tami - in what she calls “a ghetto move in the 1st place”, decides it best to take her shoes off…because she is “drunk and her feet hurt”. As someone who has been known to take a shoe or two off in the middle of a shindig, I don’t take issue with this…especially since Tami’s shoes were clearly plotting against the cohesiveness of her outfit. In her defense, when you are wearing a blue dress of unknown origin whilst carrying a pink satin purse…you clearly have no smart place to go in shoe selection.

Anyway…once her unpedicured feet hit the cool tile of the Viceroy floor…both comfort and evil set in. Looking for a soft place to land off her alcohol (and what appears to be at least 2 different prescription pain killers) high…Tami attacks Jennifer. A few episodes ago, upon hearing that Tami was once homeless and on food stamps, Jennifer made the mistake of telling the other “wives” she had never seen a food stamp before. In all of Tami’s bitterness…she managed to take this asinine tidbit of information pertaining to someone else’s life as an insult.

As most indignant women, with horrible weave jobs do…Tami chose not to address this the gazillion times they were in intimate settings together…she wanted to pick JUST the right place to confront her. I mean honestly, can you think of a better place to address this than at a charity fundraiser? Jennifer calmly explains to Tami that she was picked up in a Porsche from junior high school and is not ghetto…ergo, she has never seen a food stamp. Shoes off, 12 sheets to the wind, certified platinum ghetto card validated and in her pocket…Tami calls Jennifer everything but a child of God. When this does not bring the satisfaction she seeks, she resorts to attacking Jennifer’s troubled marriage. Because as a divorced woman herself, the first thing Tami should do is make another woman heading down the same path feel bad about it. Duh. In the midst of Tami’s verbal assassination…she thinks to herself (in a confessional weeks later) “somewhere along the line…I feel like I heard the word bitch”. Although she has used this word to describe Jennifer at least 13 times in 5 minutes, this is below the belt for Tami.

Seeking vindication, Tami unsuccessfully resorts to a physical altercation. The funniest thing to me was that somewhere in the midst of this, someone else ended up in possession of Tami’s purse. And they were holding it the way you would hold someone else’s dirty undies you just picked up off the floor. Anywho…security intervenes, swiftly placing Tami in a Full Nelson as she is escorted out of the building. After the fundraiser is ruined, Jennifer and Evelyn flee the scene…but not before Jennifer declares this is THE ghetto-est fundraiser she has ever been to! How would she know how to properly identify ghetto? She’s middle class. *rolls eyes* The hostess (who is now nowhere to be found), was rumored to have locked herself in the ladies room where guests say she was heard crying hysterically through the door. Okay fine, I made that last part up…but it could happen.

Phaedra: A Tragedy in Five Acts

Act I:

I can’t stand Phaedra Parks. I almost want to begin and end this post with that one line…but I won’t. The streets have been calling for me to address the newest edition to the Real Housewives of Atlanta for some time now. I’ve held off because every single time I hear her speak, I’m rendered speechless. I literally have know idea where to start.

Act II:
It’s pretty humorous to me that Phaedra and her husband, Apollo, are both named after characters in Greek mythology. Luckily we have a front row seat for this ghetto modern day tragedy. I thought long and hard…and came up with not one but two positive things to say about her. Honestly, they are more so facts than my opinion, but here they are: Phaedra is a prominent entertainment lawyer. She also has a couple degrees under her belt. Problem is she won’t let anyone forget it. Ever. Phaedra and her degrees (as my pal Jen pointed out) are a reminder that you can go to school but you can’t buy class. She puts the T in tacky. Since I am plagued with the burden of proof…I offer her baby shower as Exhibit A. One word: gross. Surely Phaedra had some unfinished business from her wedding she wanted to address at this shower. She even wore one of her old bridesmaid dresses to show she meant business. I thought it was pretty classy how she reused her wedding bouquet as hair accessories for the shower! Now that’s thinking outside the box. The dance with Dwight was nauseating and quite inappropriate. I mean she’s spinning and dipping while 10 months pregnant. The purpose of the ballerinas was a huge question mark for me. But she is a lover of the arts…and most people don’t celebrate the arts quite enough. *blank face* I don’t feel like I can conclude the shower recap without mentioning the strip of rhinestones she donned on her lids. Those little touches are what makes her so sophisticated, don’t you think? Let’s not forget her maternity photo shoot. That pickle. Class all the way baby! Nothing says picture perfect moment like you and your recently paroled husband who is still trying to shake the gay rumors, sucking on a big dill pickle together.


Act III:
I started writing this before Bravo aired the episode Phaedra gave birth and the mystery of the due date was solved in. My disgust for her has only grown since then. You are a grown, allegedly respected woman…and you thought you could lie to the entire world, specifically to 4 other women who are all mothers about how far along you are!? MAYBE…and I mean maybe…if Phaedra wasn’t the size of a double wide trailer home, they would have believed her. In the words of Sheree “Who was she fooling? I've had three kids. I know what nine months pregnant looks like”. Phaedra, you ain‘t gotta lie to kick it. She should have just said please don’t tell my momma I’m 13 months pregnant.

Act IV:

I almost spit coke (okay it was CranApple) upon learning that Phaedra and Apollo continued their Greek tragedy by naming their kid Adonis. Ayden Adonis…but still. They really should quit while they are ahead. But if they decide to have another spawn…and it’s a girl, I definitely think they should name her Medusa.

Act V:
I sincerely hate that Phaedra in all her country-ness, ignorant mutterings, and complete void of taste is supposed to epitomize the smart, successful, professional black woman. Phaedra is single handedly undoing everything I have been doing at work with the white people. White people: please mute the TV when you see her on the screen. Phaedra Parks is buffoonery personified.

In Greek mythology, Phaedra drank poison in the final act. We should be so lucky.

 

Girl Bye

I don't know how late I am...but apparently Melody Thornton *hears 'WHO!?' from crowd* - (the black chick from Pussycat Dolls)- took to Twitter to accuse Ciara of jacking her alleged swagger.  Girl stop.  If you had a swagger...Ciara wouldn't bother jacking it.  And little girl how dare you...we all know Bey was the 1st to grab her ponytail in a bytch please stance.  I know you dare not go at Bey...but really you are out of line for even addressing Ciara via the Twitters.  You need to stay in your place...and now that you aren't in PCD anymore...I'm not sure where that even is.  I mean...you're cute in that racially ambiguous type of way...and apparently you have enough talent to be a glorified back up singer/dancer...but you have to know when you have aimed to high pookie. Don't let it happen again. Thx, MGT.

Of course Ciara's psycho Stans immediately attacked Melody and she recanted. Speaking of Stans...BOOM!

Do Buffalos Have Wings?

Jessica Simpson comes up short

Oh Jess. We’ve had some really good times. Which is why I put this off as long as possible. But, after the stunt you pulled on Project Runway I can no longer turn a blind eye. Admittedly, I’ve been a little angry with you since the divorce. I never understood why you filed in the first place. But that’s not why we’re here today. I supported you when did your little beauty around the world show…I (almost) bought some of your clip in weave…and I laughed behind your back instead of in your face when they said you were a Cowboys’ curse. I even bought a pair of your shoes…which proves I’m clearly over any feelings I may have been harboring since the divorce. But, I have been silent far too long...

First of all, you’re in a safe place. Everyone here loves you. Jess, I understand being on the losing end of the battle of the bulge. So, I’m not here to attack your recent weight gain or your obvious falling out with the gym. However, I would like to point out that you're a mere 5’3” and don’t have much room for expansion. Anyway, I have come here today to discuss your fashion sense…and perhaps to question your common sense. For whatever reason you’ve decided to go it alone without the help of a stylist. I disagree with this decision, but there’s not much I can do about it. Now, we’re in a good place with your shoe and handbag selection…but the rest of your dress game is what we like to call “a hot mess“. In your defense, when you were a teensy bit smaller (say 20 lbs) you mainly wore underwear and bikinis…so clothes are new to you. Since I don’t like to complain without bringing a solution to the table, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a little checklist for you. Go ahead and take a look at this before leaving the house…

If I take 3 consecutive steps, will I break a bone?
Gentle Reminder: If so, your dress too long. The answer is NOT higher heels.



















If wearing separates…do I have on bottoms?
Gentle Reminder: Pants are your friend.


















Do I have on high-waist pants?
Gentle Reminder: Not ALL pants are your friend.



















Do I look 10-15 lbs bigger than I am?
Gentle Reminder: We are going for flattery not fattery.

Have I lost my mind?

Gentle Reminder: If you have to think about it…start over.

Roman Zolanksi: Diary of a Mad Woman



Minaj in obvious mental distress



Loudmouthed, over the top, offensive T&A, with a rainbow coif. Apparently, it isn’t enough for Nicki Minaj to run around acting like a Dragon Ball Z character. She has grown bored with starring in her current role as side show freak of the female rap game. And as it often does, this boredom has spawned the birth of an alter ego. I thought Nicki Minaj WAS her alter ego. She needs no additions to this circus act. Just when you thought you had seen enough to know you have seen too much…in walks “Roman Zolanski“. Isn’t an alter ego supposed to be another side to someone…a departure from what most people already know? But wait…Roman isn’t like that at all. She’s just Nicki Minaj on a sugar bender after a series of B-12 shots, on day 2 of a 3 day acid-trip. Roman is Nicki on steriods.

I just listened to Roman’s new song with Eminem. Frankly, I was a bit frightened. She talked mostly of breathing like a dragon, then fired about 12 shots at Lil Kim. She broke off from her “I’m younger, hotter, better and more relevant in rap” rant to go into her British accent she likes to pull out on special occasions. I wonder what Roman Zolanski looks like. How will we be able to decipher her from Minaj? Does she wear clothes that fit and match? Does she make socially acceptable facial expressions? Does the carpet match the curtains all of a sudden? Does she speak at an agreeable decibel? I mean, how is she different? I need to know. Honestly, I blame Beyonce Knowles-Carter for this. All that Sasha Fierce nonsense has folks bugging out. Apparently Roman or Nicki or whomever has an album dropping later this month that will answer the unsolved mystery of the alter ego. Stay tuned…

I'm not a psycho, I just play one in real life

Editor’s Note: I love love love Nicki Minaj - and can’t stand the fact that I do. I’m still not sure why I can‘t get enough of this loon. She's a marketing genius. I swear Wayne is writing her rhymes. I refuse to accept that she just might be this psychotically awesome all on her own accord. I won’t stoop so low as to buy her album or anything crazy like that…but I do plan to download it off the interwebs like any true closet fan would. I can’t wait to hear it. *said in a guttural tone through clenched teeth a la Nicki style*

You Complete Me (and other Apps I can’t live without)

First things first. If you don't have an iPhone, don't try to search your inferior cell phone’s app barn for these apps. You crackberry psychos love to pretend like your apps are just as awesome and free as iPhone apps. Give it a rest, we know they aren’t. Per wiki (the serious journalists’ first stop) as of September 1, 2010, there were approx. 250,000 third-party apps available on the App Store. I’m sure this is incorrect. There are at least 2 million. I haven’t done the leg work, but I am fairly certain all but 7 of those are free. Since there are so many apps, this is by no means a list of my favorites or the best…but it is a list of apps I heart.

Words With Friends - Ironically, there are no words to describe my love of this app. It’s a fancy version of Scrabble or Literati (for the Yahoo heads). I’ve literally tried to convert people to the iPhone solely in search of worthy opponents for WWF (that‘s what we serious players call it). Surprisingly, no one has left their mediocre cell phone providers just to have the ability to play this game. I have no idea why. Yet, I have managed to recruit all of my fellow iPhone users. Honestly, this has been hit and miss. My friend, who will go unnamed, (it was Miriam) just asked me “how come you never asked me to play ‘friends with words’ again?”. I told her the main reason was because she didn’t know the name of the game! The second reason? She sucks! Sorry Miri…many are called, but few are chosen (for a second game).

Amazon Kindle - All you suckas who paid $200 for the Kindle could have downloaded the Kindle for the iPhone app for free! Dear naysayers, you can change the size of the font so don’t give me that crapola about the words being too small. Most books are under $10 too. I’d stick with buying shorter books for the iPhone Kindle, maybe 250 pages or less. Although nothing beats holding a real book in your hands, this app helps if you’re too lazy to drive to a bookstore, having a hard time finding a specific book in stores, or most importantly when you want to read without people knowing - you know, like at work and church.

eBay Fashion - Up until very recently I was too good to shop on eBay. Now, I’m addicted. This app makes it beyond easy. As I am still too good for bidding on items…I only search for “buy it now” results. It’s like skipping to the front of the line. You can also filter searches for items with free shipping only. Also, familiarize yourself with NWT and NIB…never, ever buy anything that doesn’t include those words. Since I had to figure it out myself, I kinda want to make you do the same but I’ll spare you. The acronyms = “new with tags” and “new in box“. A bit of advice, don’t buy any high end merch on Ebay…cause it will be suspect. If you just have to search for designer duds, please have the decency to include the word “authentic” in your search.

Lose It - this is to track your weight, calorie intake and exercise. I have had a love/hate relationship with this app for years. It was a huge help when I lost 15 lbs 2 years ago and absolutely no help at all when I completely ignored this app whilst I gained it all back. All in all, this is perfect for folks who want to lose weight and record everything in one place.

Mint.com - I honestly don’t use this app. But, if I did…it would be great. I mean I used it a few times, but never consistently. The thing I like about the Mint.com app is you receive alerts when you have large deposits, large purchases, high spending and when you’re over budget. It’s a useful tool when you are balling on a budget. It will tell you how much you spent on groceries, entertainment, auto & transport, etc. The only issues most people have is you must give Mint.com your bank account info so they can sync your account with their site. You also have to go through and re-categorize a lot of your purchases. Trust, I have done the proper due diligence on the risks of linking your bank account to Mint.com and I am here to report, it is 100% safe! And once you put purchases in the correct categories once, you never have to do it again. Happy budgeting, you financial guru, you!

While you iPhone users are frantically searching the App Store for my FREE suggestions and you Verizon, T-mobile, and Cricket folks are feeling inadequate, I‘m going to look for the next IT app!