A Thin Line Between Loathe & Haute

As you all know, I have been on a not so brief hiatus. But a very serious topic had forced me back into the world o’ blogging. What is this critical matter, you say? Ladies and gentleman I’ve been in turmoil. The greatest conflict is inner…man vs. self, if you will. I’ve been so discombobulated, so perplexed. I have gone over this 100 times in my head. And I am still left unsure of myself. Two words: Nicki Minaj. I mean we loathe her, right? But do we also secretly love her ? What are these mixed emotions I am feeling? On the surface I hate everything about her. You’re nothing like a Barbie, Ms. Minaj. It’s been a while since I actually owned one, but I do remember what she looks like. And I happen to know for a fact, Barbie would never do a crotch shot.  Mainly because she can't bend her legs, but that's not the point!  You are more reminiscent of a Bratz doll, don’t you think? And “Minaj”? *sigh* What are you 12? I am 21 *gulp* and even I was appalled by your stage name. Minaj…as in “a trois“? Girl stop. And where does one purchase pink weave? I wonder what the name of it is. Bubble gum yaky? Cotton Candy Hawaiian silky ? Barbiedoll Indian virgin 18 inch? I hate it. All of her clothes seem one size too small. She is always a fashion don’t. I mean, the girl is a mess. And have you noticed she tries to pull off an accent? I believe it's cockney. You can’t just make up an accent. Who do you think you are, Madonna? And Lil Kim called…she wants her swag, steez, clothes, pose, style of rap, and overall raunchiness back. Every time I see her I roll my eyes.  But *leans in to whisper* something about her intrigues me. I want to see more, know more. What is her real name (heaven forbid it is “Nicki Minaj“)? How old is she? Where does she hail from? She just seemed to drop out of thin air. I had questions.  I needed answers.  So, I did what any serious journalist would do. Consulted Wikipedia.

I found out she was born in ‘84.  Bummer. Kind of old for pink hair and a Barbie reference aren‘t we? Turns out Young Money isn’t as 'young' as I thought. She’s from New York, which would have been my second guess after ATL. She is allegedly mixed with a few things. Which is fine. Tragic Mullato?  Too soon to tell.  Oh and get this, when asked who her biggest influences were…she said Lauren Hill. Really? Lil Kim, Trina…perhaps Eve…maybe even that nasty Khia of my neck, my back fame. But not Lauren -best CD ever-Hill. I'm not buying it Nicki.  Where is her influence in anything you do?

But I digress.
*looks left, looks right* I mean maybe I like her lyrics sometimes…and she’s real animated and cartoonish in her movements which captures my attention here and there. I was impressed by the air of confidence she seemed to have about herself to be so young…but now that I know she's 26...not so much. I don’t know guys. Amidst all of my disgust, I'm watching this girl…and wanting to see more. Maybe. I don’t know yet.  And her real name is Onika Maraj by the way. Which is pretty close to her stage name. So maybe intead of annoying...it's....I don't know....creative. No?

Hey, I think one of her videos is on….*logs off*

New Year's Resolutions & Other Tall Tales

Although I fell asleep before the countdown & ball drop, waking up to the aftermath of New Year’s Eve was simply splendid. As I formally introduced myself to 2010, I caught up on the final hours of ‘09 via the drunken texts, tweets and status updates that chronicled overindulgence gone awry. Now that most folks have literally partied the year away, chances are the first few hours of 2010 were spent reflecting on their hangovers, highs, and lows of the last year. Which is often a segue to the birth of the New Year’s Resolution.

If you are anything like me, you make the same tired resolutions every year. Don’t get me wrong, our quality of life would be greatly enhanced if we could actually see our resolutions through. BUT if our resolutions were that easy to incorporate into our lifestyles, we would have already done so. The following resolutions are some of the most entertaining to watch people attempt: stop smoking, binge drinking & bopping, lose weight, leave that no good man alone, go to church every Sunday, clean up that potty mouth, cut down on frivolous spending, etc. During the month of January, we’ll get a few cheap thrills out of watching people pinch pennies, pack gyms, and use words like frick, shoot, and mother trucker. Rest assured, by the end of February most will be up to their old tricks again. And I’m rather looking forward to it.  It’s always fun to walk up on someone with a bottle Grey Goose in their hand and ask how that less drinking in 2010 pledge is going. And it will be sheer delight to catch someone sporting their “thin in ‘10” sweatshirt, hovering over a supersized value meal at Burger World. I’ve been known to throw cigarettes away to help those who have committed to no smoking in the new year. They’ve never appreciated my help and I‘ve never understood why. 


I read somewhere that instead of making a long list of resolutions, we should all resolve to better decision making in the new year. I think that’s a pretty good idea…and I will start doing so TODAY. Right after I polish off all the last of the holiday treats in my fridge.  Happy New Year!

Dudes like sales too…

Upon further review, I think the men’s sales are actually better than the women's! You guys catch all the breaks. But we get to wear make up and pretty dresses, so I guess that makes us even. Guys, here are some links for you...

JoS. A. Bank - Cyber Monday Event + free shipping
http://www.josbank.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/SubCategory_11001_10050_1001500

Kenneth Cole - Cyber Sample Sale up to 50% off special selection
http://www.kennethcole.com/family/index.jsp?categoryId=3923748

Bluefly - Extra 10% off + free shipping (now up to 65% off)
http://www.bluefly.com/Mens-Designer-Clothing/cat60004/department.fly;jsessionid=BIbIpYCC+u2hOVVMa8k0gA**.app_node2

Overstock.com - Cyber Monday an Overstock Shopping Experience
http://www.overstock.com/Clothing-Shoes/Mens-Designer-Clothing/2103/cat.html

Men’s Warehouse - Buy 1, get 1 FREE
http://www.menswearhouse.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/MenswearCategory_-1_10601_10051_40180_10051_10653

Eddie Bauer - Take 25% off entire purchase + free shipping
http://www.eddiebauer.com/

Foot Locker - $10 off $50 purchase, $25 off $100 purchase
http://www.footlocker.com/

Black Friday: Take Two

If you have any money left over after Black Friday, retailers are back to claim what’s left of your paycheck. That’s right, they have found yet another way to suck in the huddled masses…give it up for CYBER MONDAY! Apparently they coined the phrase Cyber Monday (the Monday immediately following black Friday) approx. 4 or 5 years ago. I guess I have had my head up my @$$ because I was totally unaware of this phenomenon. Better late than never I suppose. Critics have scoffed at Cyber Monday,claiming they’ve seen no unusually high traffic on sites on any one day of the holiday shopping season. However, I think it’s marketing genius!  Any time shoppers perceive any additional savings, they will purchase.  If you discount it, they will come!  All the people who were too full from Thanksgiving (me), too lazy to fight the crowds (me), and just plain over the hype (me again), can now reenact black Friday with the click of a mouse.

I vowed to do my part to stimulate the economy…so here are some Cyber Monday sales for you good folks:

Barney’s New York - Up to 40% off sale
http://www.barneys.com/

Nordstrom - up to 50% off Half Yearly Sale for Women + free shipping on orders of $100 or more
http://shop.nordstrom.com/

Net-a-Porter - End of Season Sale 30-50% off
http://www.netaporter.com/shop/Sale

Shop Bop - Spend $300 take $50 off + free shipping
http://www.shopbop.com/

Tory Burch - 30% off orders of $300 or more + limited edition cheetah tote w/ purchase
http://www.toryburch.com/toryburch

Kate Spade - 20% off all sale items + free shipping
http://www.katespade.com/home/index.jsp

BCBGMAXAZRIA - 30% off
http://www.bcbg.com/family/index.jsp?categoryId=3337885

Ann Taylor - 40% off your ENTIRE purchase + free shipping on orders of $100 or more
http://www.anntaylor.com/

Banana Republic, Piperlime, Gap, Old Navy - 20% off + free shipping
http://bananarepublic.gap.com/

The Limited - 40% off everything + free shipping
http://www.thelimited.com/

Happy shopping!

Dating Pool: Feel Like a Swim?

The white ladies at work sometimes stop and stare in amazement. The bold ones will walk over and ask. Why aren’t you married? After a moment I compose myself. But not before they fire off a few more. When are you getting married? How long have you been dating him? Oh, I bet you will get a ring for Christmas. You think so? *deep sigh*. That’s when I have to break it down for the white women. Three reasons why I do so…one because I know they don’t get it…two because they need to know that it’s hard out here for a pimp (pimp = sistah in this scenario)…and three, nothing sends a white person running like a good conversation about cultural differences. I keed, I keed.

But I have told almost every white woman who has asked, the haps on why they probably know at least 5 drop dead gorgeous, educated, sweet, funny, SINGLE black females. I start with the stats. White people like a good # to take back to the other white folks who may be wondering the same. Okay, you have a pool of black men. *drools*…wait…let’s get back on track...let me clarify this is a dating pool, not swimming pool. But, before you get to your dating pool, you have to look at black men as a whole. There are two categories black men can fall into…eligible bachelors and girl please, not even if he was the last brother on earth. Well, honestly sometimes these categories get meshed and you end up thinking a girl please man is an eligible bachelor. But we do not have enough time or space to go into that right now. I like to jump straight into it for the white girls…so I usually open with this…”so, you have a large portion of black men who are in jail”. Don’t be mad black people...you know it’s true. I just keep it real with the white girls. Now, unless you were involved before they were incarcerated and you are going to wait this thing out, my guess is these dudes typically fall in the latter of the two groups. However, there is generally no need for explanation after the white women hear “jail”. Most of the time, they nod sympathetically. Next I say, “Then you have the openly gay men”. I say openly gay cause there is another group of “gay man”…that’s when I tell them about the DL – aka dudes we think are suspect. Some of them are already well versed on “the DL” thanks to Oprah. But some are hearing this for the first time. When mulling over the probability of a man being on the DL, ladies have to be fair. I know some sisters who think every man she meets is gay. Ladies…just because a man likes a nice manicure every once in a while does not mean he is gay. Or does it? *side eyes dude next to me*. But we all have that one friend who thinks every man is gay. Mine is Faith. Faith has outed more men than E. Lynn Harris. Faith every man ain’t gay! Then you have those women who have no gaydar whatsoever. These ladies proudly date suspect men, with no clue as to the fact that he is more interested in her handbag collection, than in her pocketbook. Sister your man is reading O magazine and watching Lifetime…while the game is on. He’s gay. Let your brother have him.

So, once you remove the black men who are in jail, in love with men, and in the closet out of your dating pool…things are beginning to thin out significantly. Then you have to go ahead and weed out those who spend most of their time weeded out. *sprays Oust and rolls eyes*. I don’t put it out there so bluntly with the white women. I tell them something like, “then you have the group of men who aren’t really doing anything with themselves, who aren’t really on your level”. They usually like that one…because they can relate. Our ghetto = their trailer park. White people think they can take any ghetto scenario and aptly apply it to the trailer park community. True or not, they usually need no explanation for this group of men. Regardless of race, all women have a group they would not consider dating. Now some ladies lists can get a bit silly and oddly specific, but for the most part we want a fella who has a job, a car, half a brain, an actual personality, the ability to have an intellectual conversation, knows proper etiquette just in case he ever needs to use it, etc. Plainly, there is a group of men sistah’s would prefer not to date. Y’all know that group and y’all know why.

I explain to the white women, once you remove these groups you have a very small pool of men to pick from. But this is not the problem. The problem is on the flip side. Black men have a VERY large group of black women to choose from. And honey, these women are bad (I explain that this is one of those instances where bad means good). Since there is an influx of eligible black women to choose from, black men typically don’t have to choose at all. Let’s say you happened upon an awesome shoe sale. Why pick one pair, when you can have three? If all three pair feel good and look good…most would chose to take all three home…and wear them at different times. This is typically what black men do. I know you brothers are mad because I am making generalizations…but I am talking rules…not exceptions. And sisters don't even trip.  Cause you all know 1st hand what I mean.  Now, I know there are some damn good brothers out there…but a lot of you are already married. Oh, heck that’s another category. I never thought to share that one with the white women…married men who date. *room goes quiet*. Yeah, y’all know there are some out there. But since I never considered them, I don’t want to start improvising here. In conclusion, you have about 7 eligible sistahs for every 3 eligible bruthas. So, they can take all the time they want in manning up and picking their wives. So no, I am not getting that ring for Christmas…but thanks for asking Becky!

FYI: Sense of humor required. This is a satirical look at dating choices for today's African American woman, however I am aware that these scenarios may apply to any woman regardless of race.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Come Outside

I'd taken a brief haitus from the blog scene. In all honesty, I've been engrossed in Twitter. But after a conversation I had in the wee hours of the morning, I've been inspired to write again! New post coming as soon as I can get to my laptop!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Song: Read No Rhythm

Verse 1
Chris Brown and Rihanna have had the displeasure of having a very private situation play out in a very public forum. Most of us have the luxury of going through our embarrassing, regretful, shame-inducing situations behind closed doors. If we were honest with ourselves, we would admit there’s at least one thing about us, that happened to us, or that we’ve done…that we’d never want anyone else to know. Now picture the world knowing that one thing. What if every detail was dissected, discussed, and displayed as headline news? How would you feel? Now picture yourself being only 19 years old. How would you feel then? Probably mortified. See, privacy affords us the opportunity to make mistakes and bad decisions without the world standing in judgment. No matter who started it, who finished it, who was the victim and who the assailant, this was a tragic moment in the lives of BOTH Rihanna and Chris Brown.

Hook
I will never condone domestic violence. Ever. Critics say the women who defend Chris Brown have probably been beaten many times themselves. I disagree. I think the women who have defended him have never had a man put his hands around their necks, never watched their mothers scream out in fear and pain. These women need to think about their mothers, sisters, best friends, and finally - their daughters...showing up at their doorsteps looking the way Rihanna looked that night. There would be no excuse, no reason, no explanation good enough to justify that face, those tears, those scars....inside and out that may never heal. As someone who has admittedly struck a lover, I will say that no one - regardless of gender, should put their hands on someone they are in a relationship with. I can’t erase the look of shock and disappointment that followed the blow I delivered. Even though I have 101 viable reasons why I reacted that way, not one of them makes it right. Not one. Takes a lot to admit you were wrong…without adding a but at the end of it.

Bridge
I do not believe Chris when he says he blacked out and doesn't remember doing this to her. I do not believe Rihanna when she says she did not hit him first or at all. But, amidst the public's accusations of lies, one thing remains true...there are only two people in this world who really know what happened in the car that night. We were not there. We do not know who threw the first punch, although we think we know who threw the last. We do not know the details that led to that night, details with roots extending much deeper than a single text. We do not know the depth of the love, that quickly turned to rage. None of us experienced the joy of their good times, to truly know the despair of their bad. For two years we knew no more than what one could piece together through photos and public appearances. Yet and still…we judge them, as if we have the right. Myself included.

Outro
Before that night, I (like many) was a Rihanna and Chris Brown fan. Today, I am a bigger fan of hers, but this rang true before that night. Rihanna’s outward scars have healed and hopefully the inward scars will fade with time. She was at the pinnacle of her career when this happened and I am confident things will only get better. My hope for her at the end of the day when it all goes away, is that she is truly happy without Chris in her life. Truly happy, without your best friend and best lover, is no small feat. I am not a fan in the same manner as I used to be in regards to Chris. Today, I am someone who doesn't want to see Chris sing a beautiful song, perform a flawless routine, go triple platinum, or flash that million dollar smile. I am a someone who wants to see a young man who made the mistake of a lifetime, rebound to the best of his ability. I want to see him somehow right this wrong. Erase the scarlet letter that now sits on his chest. I want to see him bounce. Rihanna said it best, Chris should not make excuses for himself, but accept what he did. I throw virtual jabs at Chris who has become an easy target lately and I semi-Stan over Rhi...but at the end of the day these larger than life personalities are real people. Our entertainment, dinner table dish, water cooler convo, fireside chats, tweets, status updates, and blog posts are these people‘s real lives. They hurt, they embarrass, they love, they miss, they cry. And I believe BOTH Chris and Rihanna have done all of the above because of that night. And yes, I feel sorry for both of them. It may not be a popular opinion. But it is my humble opinion.

Fade