Do Buffalos Have Wings?

Jessica Simpson comes up short

Oh Jess. We’ve had some really good times. Which is why I put this off as long as possible. But, after the stunt you pulled on Project Runway I can no longer turn a blind eye. Admittedly, I’ve been a little angry with you since the divorce. I never understood why you filed in the first place. But that’s not why we’re here today. I supported you when did your little beauty around the world show…I (almost) bought some of your clip in weave…and I laughed behind your back instead of in your face when they said you were a Cowboys’ curse. I even bought a pair of your shoes…which proves I’m clearly over any feelings I may have been harboring since the divorce. But, I have been silent far too long...

First of all, you’re in a safe place. Everyone here loves you. Jess, I understand being on the losing end of the battle of the bulge. So, I’m not here to attack your recent weight gain or your obvious falling out with the gym. However, I would like to point out that you're a mere 5’3” and don’t have much room for expansion. Anyway, I have come here today to discuss your fashion sense…and perhaps to question your common sense. For whatever reason you’ve decided to go it alone without the help of a stylist. I disagree with this decision, but there’s not much I can do about it. Now, we’re in a good place with your shoe and handbag selection…but the rest of your dress game is what we like to call “a hot mess“. In your defense, when you were a teensy bit smaller (say 20 lbs) you mainly wore underwear and bikinis…so clothes are new to you. Since I don’t like to complain without bringing a solution to the table, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a little checklist for you. Go ahead and take a look at this before leaving the house…

If I take 3 consecutive steps, will I break a bone?
Gentle Reminder: If so, your dress too long. The answer is NOT higher heels.



















If wearing separates…do I have on bottoms?
Gentle Reminder: Pants are your friend.


















Do I have on high-waist pants?
Gentle Reminder: Not ALL pants are your friend.



















Do I look 10-15 lbs bigger than I am?
Gentle Reminder: We are going for flattery not fattery.

Have I lost my mind?

Gentle Reminder: If you have to think about it…start over.

Roman Zolanksi: Diary of a Mad Woman



Minaj in obvious mental distress



Loudmouthed, over the top, offensive T&A, with a rainbow coif. Apparently, it isn’t enough for Nicki Minaj to run around acting like a Dragon Ball Z character. She has grown bored with starring in her current role as side show freak of the female rap game. And as it often does, this boredom has spawned the birth of an alter ego. I thought Nicki Minaj WAS her alter ego. She needs no additions to this circus act. Just when you thought you had seen enough to know you have seen too much…in walks “Roman Zolanski“. Isn’t an alter ego supposed to be another side to someone…a departure from what most people already know? But wait…Roman isn’t like that at all. She’s just Nicki Minaj on a sugar bender after a series of B-12 shots, on day 2 of a 3 day acid-trip. Roman is Nicki on steriods.

I just listened to Roman’s new song with Eminem. Frankly, I was a bit frightened. She talked mostly of breathing like a dragon, then fired about 12 shots at Lil Kim. She broke off from her “I’m younger, hotter, better and more relevant in rap” rant to go into her British accent she likes to pull out on special occasions. I wonder what Roman Zolanski looks like. How will we be able to decipher her from Minaj? Does she wear clothes that fit and match? Does she make socially acceptable facial expressions? Does the carpet match the curtains all of a sudden? Does she speak at an agreeable decibel? I mean, how is she different? I need to know. Honestly, I blame Beyonce Knowles-Carter for this. All that Sasha Fierce nonsense has folks bugging out. Apparently Roman or Nicki or whomever has an album dropping later this month that will answer the unsolved mystery of the alter ego. Stay tuned…

I'm not a psycho, I just play one in real life

Editor’s Note: I love love love Nicki Minaj - and can’t stand the fact that I do. I’m still not sure why I can‘t get enough of this loon. She's a marketing genius. I swear Wayne is writing her rhymes. I refuse to accept that she just might be this psychotically awesome all on her own accord. I won’t stoop so low as to buy her album or anything crazy like that…but I do plan to download it off the interwebs like any true closet fan would. I can’t wait to hear it. *said in a guttural tone through clenched teeth a la Nicki style*

You Complete Me (and other Apps I can’t live without)

First things first. If you don't have an iPhone, don't try to search your inferior cell phone’s app barn for these apps. You crackberry psychos love to pretend like your apps are just as awesome and free as iPhone apps. Give it a rest, we know they aren’t. Per wiki (the serious journalists’ first stop) as of September 1, 2010, there were approx. 250,000 third-party apps available on the App Store. I’m sure this is incorrect. There are at least 2 million. I haven’t done the leg work, but I am fairly certain all but 7 of those are free. Since there are so many apps, this is by no means a list of my favorites or the best…but it is a list of apps I heart.

Words With Friends - Ironically, there are no words to describe my love of this app. It’s a fancy version of Scrabble or Literati (for the Yahoo heads). I’ve literally tried to convert people to the iPhone solely in search of worthy opponents for WWF (that‘s what we serious players call it). Surprisingly, no one has left their mediocre cell phone providers just to have the ability to play this game. I have no idea why. Yet, I have managed to recruit all of my fellow iPhone users. Honestly, this has been hit and miss. My friend, who will go unnamed, (it was Miriam) just asked me “how come you never asked me to play ‘friends with words’ again?”. I told her the main reason was because she didn’t know the name of the game! The second reason? She sucks! Sorry Miri…many are called, but few are chosen (for a second game).

Amazon Kindle - All you suckas who paid $200 for the Kindle could have downloaded the Kindle for the iPhone app for free! Dear naysayers, you can change the size of the font so don’t give me that crapola about the words being too small. Most books are under $10 too. I’d stick with buying shorter books for the iPhone Kindle, maybe 250 pages or less. Although nothing beats holding a real book in your hands, this app helps if you’re too lazy to drive to a bookstore, having a hard time finding a specific book in stores, or most importantly when you want to read without people knowing - you know, like at work and church.

eBay Fashion - Up until very recently I was too good to shop on eBay. Now, I’m addicted. This app makes it beyond easy. As I am still too good for bidding on items…I only search for “buy it now” results. It’s like skipping to the front of the line. You can also filter searches for items with free shipping only. Also, familiarize yourself with NWT and NIB…never, ever buy anything that doesn’t include those words. Since I had to figure it out myself, I kinda want to make you do the same but I’ll spare you. The acronyms = “new with tags” and “new in box“. A bit of advice, don’t buy any high end merch on Ebay…cause it will be suspect. If you just have to search for designer duds, please have the decency to include the word “authentic” in your search.

Lose It - this is to track your weight, calorie intake and exercise. I have had a love/hate relationship with this app for years. It was a huge help when I lost 15 lbs 2 years ago and absolutely no help at all when I completely ignored this app whilst I gained it all back. All in all, this is perfect for folks who want to lose weight and record everything in one place.

Mint.com - I honestly don’t use this app. But, if I did…it would be great. I mean I used it a few times, but never consistently. The thing I like about the Mint.com app is you receive alerts when you have large deposits, large purchases, high spending and when you’re over budget. It’s a useful tool when you are balling on a budget. It will tell you how much you spent on groceries, entertainment, auto & transport, etc. The only issues most people have is you must give Mint.com your bank account info so they can sync your account with their site. You also have to go through and re-categorize a lot of your purchases. Trust, I have done the proper due diligence on the risks of linking your bank account to Mint.com and I am here to report, it is 100% safe! And once you put purchases in the correct categories once, you never have to do it again. Happy budgeting, you financial guru, you!

While you iPhone users are frantically searching the App Store for my FREE suggestions and you Verizon, T-mobile, and Cricket folks are feeling inadequate, I‘m going to look for the next IT app!

Strike a Pose!

I guess some things never change....

Nothing Lasts Forever

Most women of a certain age (mainly mine) have long since abandoned the uber trendy, popcorn styling’s of Forever 21. Don’t get me wrong, most of us held on as long as we could. After being sold the promise of being Forever 21, it was only natural to think we could actually dress as if we were. As reality (and old age) set in, most stylish thirty-somethings successfully transitioned to more quasi-sophisticated spots like BCBG, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, etc. A plethora of fashionistas looking for more quality threads, promptly pledged their allegiance to swanky department retailers like Nordstrom and Saks. While most recessionistas opted for their equally as fabulous partners in (prevention of fashion) crime - Nordstrom Rack and Off 5TH. Yet in still, Forever 21 offers something even an off-price outlet cannot. The right price. Of course, the old adage you get what you pay for immediately comes to mind. In this economy, you have to make your dollar s t r e t c h. Buying a cheap piece you can squeeze 1-3 wears out of no longer measures up to purchasing a pricier garment that lasts much longer. So the question is, what’s a girl --er woman to do? And in walks the answer. Looking affordably fabulous!

Although I previously dubbed H & M as the grown woman’s Forever 21, the LA fashion retailer has something else in mind for those of us who’ve realized nothing lasts Forever. Enter Twelve by Twelve. The line has been around for years, but if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you. Chances are, you haven’t stepped foot in the store in…well…forever, but you may want to think again. Although it’s branded as Forever 21’s “womens couture line“, don‘t hold your breath. You won’t find any couture within their walls any time soon, but it is a nice departure from the Forever 21 of your youth. You may be pleasantly surprised. But don’t take my word for it. Take your Forever 21 31 derrière to the store to see for yourself!

Dixie Carter Dies

Actress Dixie Carter has died at age 70.  Although there aren't many details surrounding the cause of death,  Carter's husband and Designing Women co-star, Hal Holbrook issued the following statement, "this has been a terrible blow to our family. We would appreciate everyone understanding that this is a private family tragedy."
 
As a longtime fan of Designing Women (particularly the Sugarbaker sisters played by Dixie & Delta), I had to post one of my all time favorite Julia Sugarbaker scenes. Dixie Carter played this character brilliantly. She always nailed the perfect mix between straight shooter and southern belle!  
 
Rest in Peace Dixie.

April Showers Bring May Fanatics

SATC the movie was literally everything a true fan of the HBO series could hope for. If the devil really lies in the details, he was alive and kicking in this one. It was the little things incorporated from the series that made the movie flow so organically. From Carrie yelling out Big’s real name (John!) to seeing her model the famous tutu, it seemed they thought of everything. Well, almost everything. One big - or shall I say significant - part of Carrie’s life was missing from the film. Aidan Shaw. I realize the movie didn’t really call for an actual glimpse of Aidan, but I was appreciative of the fact that there was mention of him in the first 2 minutes of the film. Still….as much as we love to love Big, every girl has a special place in her heart for the good guy who finished…well, second in Carrie’s.  We saw Steve, Harry, Stanford, Anthony, Magda (heck even Monolo Blahnik got an appearance even though the girls were rocking red bottoms most of the movie)…but no Aidan. Which is why I almost fainted when I laid eyes on the newest trailer from SATC 2. He’s back! And from the looks of things…looking better than ever. Now, you know I abso-fuckin-lutley love Big…but I can’t wait to see what happens when Carrie runs into Aidan.

As a devotee of the series and the box-office extravaganza that was Sex and The City the movie, I wasn’t very happy to hear they were making a sequel. I thought…why chance it? The show was a phenomenon that captivated the hearts of single girls everywhere. And of course, the movie was simply the series on steroids. But a second film? Who needs it? Well, apparently 5 million fans worldwide. Guys don’t expect a date, phone call, or even text from your female friends, girlfriends or wives this May 28th. They are sure to be one place…and one place only. At the theater with 100 of their closest girlfriends…playing catch up with Carrie and hers!