The Hills are Alive with The Sound of Repugnance

Enlisting Lauren Conrad’s nemesis Kristin Cavallari as her replacement on The Hills sounds splendid…in theory. In heavily scripted reality? Not so much. Kristin is the anti-Lauren. Currently MIA: fancy threads, nifty accessories, commendable 9 to 5, trendy hair do’s, much needed make up, and a real purpose for being “in LA for the summer“. Mtv, I’ve kept a watchful eye on the show’s blog on your site and I’m here to tell you, viewers are not amused.

You cannot replace a Chanel totting, Versace clad, Monolo Blahnik prancing, trend setting glamazon with Kristin Rough Around the Edges Cavallari and foresee a pleasurable outcome. Give us a little credit Mtv. We’re actually thinking while watching television. Crazy huh?

Admittedly, Kristin’s shock value is several notches higher than Lauren’s, but that’s what we had Spencer for. We didn’t need a disagreeable heroine. Gripe #210: Kristin’s sole henchmen is “Stacey the bartender”. *roles eyes* These wenches do not know each other Mtv. Do you think we’re stupid? The Hills has always had a propensity towards faux reality, but come on. I can coherently entertain why Kristin would have been at Speidi’s wedding and the thank God our marriage survived the honeymoon bash, but there’s no viable reason Kristin would be in any other social situation we’ve caught her in thus far. She hasn’t seen Lo since they left Laguna High - and they were anything but friends then. She dated Brody, which is how she knows Spencer, Frankie, and could possibly know She Pratt. But would an alleged “maneater” be hanging with her ex and his entourage? Me thinketh not.

This was not well planned out Mtv. You couldn’t even finagle an interesting employment opportunity for Kristin? You were so excited to run around proclaiming “the bitch is back” that you didn’t even have time to create a believable plot line? Don’t give me that look. We know you got Whitney Port her job at DVF for your snoozer of a spin off, The City. If the show is going to be Reality Lite, at least make it entertaining. I’m so disappointed in you, Mtv. When Lauren grew tired of the cameras, you should’ve concluded the show. You’ve cheapened it by bringing Kristin in to pinch hit for Lauren. Kristin has managed to squander away Lauren's legacy in just 3 episodes with her unbridled knack for tackiness. I was holding off on unleashing this ether, for what appeared to be Jade plunging a swig of vodka in Kristin’s face. But this was merely smoke and mirrors. Mtv tried to bide some time with the trickery of editing. Now that last week’s episode exposed the naked truth behind that farce, I’m done.

Grand opening, grand closing. The Hills is a sinking ship. Lo, Brody, and Audrina please grab the nearest life preserver and abort! Mtv, why don’t you shows some music videos in that timeslot? Remember those?

There's An App For That

I downloaded an app which allows me to blog from my iPhone. Things may never be the same. The ability to blog in real time? Lines will be crossed, friendships ruined, alliances made. Words are sure to be incorrectly autocorrected! Stay tuned for What Looks Like Crazy On An Ordinardy Day on the go! I've got my ear to the street and my finger on the touchscreen!

-- Posted from my iPhone

Stuff White People Like

Coffee - I sometimes ponder what life would be like for WP had Starbucks never opened its doors. I bet 27 WP just shuddered at the idea. Coffee is the official modus operandi of the white, working professional. They’ll welcome any form of caffeine. Subsequently, Red Bulls and soda are also in heavy rotation. If a white person ever goes MIA at work, look in 1 of 2 spots - outside on the beloved “smoke break” or hovering over a cup of Joe. As if white people didn’t have a hard enough time understanding us, I always leave them bewildered when I get to the counter and order DECAF. *hears white lady gasp*

Showing Up Early - Look, y’all think WP aren’t familiar with “CP time”. They’re well versed in the highly probability of us running late. Adding insult to injury, they’ll show up 15 minutes early just for the hell of it. White folks hold off 10 minutes, unless it’s for a job interview, to get our hair done, or involves money in anyway. We’ll be on time for any of the aforementioned events!

Ruining Urban Vernacular - WP like to over saturate slang to the point where no self-respecting black person will ever touch it again. E.g. what‘s up, you go girl, and bling bling. All once used by blacks, but have since been forced into extinction. A white lady at work asked me “why are you such a hater?”. I almost passed out. Used it in the right context too! This would normally be cause for concern, but hater is safe for now. She’s an early bloomer on the proper utilization. I salute you, trailblazing woman of genius!

Being Outdoorsy - First thing that comes to mind is hunting. You’d think white folks learned their lesson when Cheney shot that man in the face. Nope. Not only are WP still hunting, they’re teaching their kids. God help us. White folks love to be outside. Typically found camping, skiing, rock climbing, boogie boarding. Black folks spent enough time outside running around barefoot in the bush of Africa. We prefer A/C.

Hollister - It’s a widely known fact that WP single handedly keep this store afloat. Abercrombie & Fitch and American Eagle too…but, Hollister is the whitest white brand of them all. Largest size they offer is extra medium. Warning: may be required to take brown paper bag test before being granted entry into store. Make sure you study!

Hummus - Looks like wet cement. Tastes the same. If you attend any social gathering held in a white person‘s honor, you’ll be offered hummus. Instructions: Take small spoon full. Sequester to corner of plate. Leave untouched. And for Pete’s sake, don’t divulge the fact that you’ve never had it before. Take heed!

Tailgating - WP will forego making it inside the stadium for 6 beers, anything off the grill, a hand-held radio, and a fold-out chair. Season tickets? Yeah, they got ‘em. But, they only use the parking passes! Once they set up shop, they leave only after the beer runs out.

Fairness - I know y’all like when things are fair. So, I have a stuff black people like coming soon…

Miss Guided

Lil Mama...*SMH* Bey tried to told you not to do this. I thought this was an urban legend, but it is quite real. Bey tried to stop Lil Mess from taking the stage. Why on earth would anyone in their right mind charge the stage in a rhinestoned tie dye corset and Babyphat jeans anyway? Poor thing.

Eat at Mo’s

...if you like your meals spicy with a side of ho. Let’s rewind a bit. Last week I went to a little steak place on the corner of Why Me Blvd. and No Shame Ave. As I’m heading inside my friend says, “Oh, this place is apparently known for being a spot where men come to meet hookers”. *looks into camera* Exsqueeze me!? Initially, I didn’t think much of that little tidbit. But after say 20 minutes, you could tell something wasn’t quite right. It was a brothel cleverly hidden inside the bar area of a dining establishment. You could spot the women who'd accidently wandered in oblivious to the goings on of this place…and you could tell who the ‘tutes were in an instant. Yes, prostitutes.

Apparently Herve Leger plus Christian Louboutin divided by class equals I’m a hooker at Mo’s because every white man in a 100 mile radius decided we fell in the latter of the two categories. Just our luck, black women seem to be in high demand in the underworld of hookery. These dudes were on us like white on brown rice. One stalked me from across the room, then made his move. Before I knew it he'd welcomed himself into my personal space. Once inside this sacred area, he proceeded to ramble off obscene desires in what I believe to be English. I managed to shake him. But he didn’t go far. He kindly helped himself to a sample of the entire table. Fondling us with his dirty words, undressing us with his senile eyes. I decided enough was enough when he ever so gently suggested that he and I get a room. *moves eyebrows up and down rapidly* We did what any respectable sistahs would do. We enlisted the help of nearest angry black man to scare him off. After Father Time let us be, the younger men started wandering over to gawk at us. I felt like an animal in the effin zoo. Dudes would trot on over to take a gander, but luckily stayed a healthy distance away. Almost like there was some invisible force field of class keeping them at bay.

After about 2 hours and 32 unspoken invitations for a romp in the hay, we got the hell out of Dodge. As we exited stage left, one of the ‘tutes tossed us a glance and hopped into her Maserati. I swear I heard her say “you broads ain’t got enough stamps in your passport to f*ck with me” as she peeled out of the parking lot. But maybe not...

Repeat Offenders

Every Tom, Dick and Harry know celebs live by a different creed than us regular folks. They’re typically ostracized for wearing something more than once. Which really isn’t fair given the retail value of their merchandise. But, I won’t be feeling sorry for them anytime soon. Thanks to the ever present stalkerazzi, commoners can open a magazine or turn on the tube on any given Sunday to catch our beloved stars doing anything from going to the grocery store to attending a movie premier. And if they happen to be doing so in the same threads we saw them in last week… it's most certainly curtains for them! Although I am famous for running my favorite pieces into the ground…since I am not famous for anything else, I get a pass! Catching a celebrity in the same ANYTHING more than once, has become as noteworthy as who they were last seen canoodling with. People mag even has a monthly piece called “I Really Love My…” where they put superstars on blast for rocking something 3 or 4 times in public. It can be as simple as a belt or necklace, we don’t care. We love to see anything which offers proof that stars are mere mortals. And repeating outfits tops the list of things normal people do. There are a few stars in this galaxy - I won’t name names (MEAGAN GOOD)- who have zero shame in being photographed in the same thing twice. Meagan is a sexy beast we all know this…but we would like to see her in something other than the disco tights from American Apparel and that leather bomber she always dons. Meagan…c’mon sister, get a stylist. Although you're C-list at best, Rachel Zoe would gladly take you in...

*sigh*

Big ups to www.Fashionista101.com!

The Bail Out Book Club...endings, who needs 'em?

I've always had a love affair with reading. As a youngster I loved The Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley Twins, and Where the Sidewalk Ends. I thought Shel Silverstein was God. Imagine my surprise in learning that Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me Too wasn't in the bible! Even earlier than that I was obsessed with reading Beverly Cleary’s Ramona Quimby, Pickle Juice, The Chocolate Touch, Judy Blume's Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing, and of course Are you There God? It's Me Margaret. Man, those books are a part of me. *hears someone in background do nerd cough* I'd like to think reading helped shape my vivid imagination. Honorable mention: hours upon hours of television may have helped too. But in my old age, I have been become somewhat of a book bandit. Starting books, but failing to finish them. The little Mocity girl in me is standing in the harshest judgment of the Houston lady of leisure I have become, who has no time to finish books and no shame in quitting. Have I no dignity? Apparently not. And if dignity is masterfully hidden on the last page of a good book, I may never find mine!

Books I have recently abandoned:
The DaVinci Code
The Hour I First Believed
Eat, Pray, Love
The Lovely Bones
A Million Little Pieces
Valley of the Dolls

The good thing is the list of books I have read in their entirety is much longer. But, I am losing my geek cred (like street cred but with Barnes & Nobles reward cards). I'm starting a new book tonight. We will just have to see how this one goes...but the odds of me finishing it are about as good as Chris Brown and Rhianna meeting me for a domestic violence rally later tonight...at which Lil Momma will join us on stage uninvited standing beside me in her B Boy stance...then Kanye will storm the stage, grab the mic and let everyone know that Lil Momma's interruption was good...but he just had one of the best interruptions of all times.

*yawns* Maybe I will start the book tomorrow...